Last night, I had this moment when I was in the shower, slipped and smacked my forehead on one of the built in shelves. When I woke up this morning, I was hoping it had knocked me out, and everything from the night before was just a bad dream and my life isn’t really this pathetic. Nope, no such luck… it really is. I drank enough to drop the cloak of denial, and the reality set in that I am one lonely woman at my core when it comes to in person friendships.
Let’s be honest here, I probably shouldn’t drink, much less drink after a potential head injury. It’s not something I do often, but when I do, oh boy look out. My intoxication goes one of two ways: either I am a loud, happy, horny drunk in a manic-like state, or I am a very angry, sad, lonely drunk in the depths of depression I try to hide. Last night was the latter.
The short of it is that I was supposed to go out with a friend last night and was stood up by said friend after a lot of procrastination on said friend’s part. As a result, a series of arguments ensued with said friend and then of course the infamous her got to see what I keep not so well hidden. Her is someone who will be discussed in another blog. Humiliating to say the least; she and said friend got to see just how miserable my most inner core feels the vast majority of the time. Ever heard the saying “drunken words are sober thoughts”; it holds way more truth than anyone ever wants to ever admit.
What’s ironic about being stood up is that when this plan was made, I knew it was going to happen. Realism or self prophecy… I don’t know. It is just the story of my life. This is not the first time this has happened, and I am sure not the last. Regardless, my way to cope with the hurt and disappointment I was feeling was to get super drunk so I didn’t feel anything. That totally backfired, and I felt EVERYTHING I didn’t want to and I couldn’t keep up usual stand-offish facade I like to think I have going for me. Those who came in contact with me knew it too.
Me being me, I was pissed and super dramatic about the fact I was spending yet another night alone. Her got to hear all about it and as a result is not speaking to me today. Oh well, she’s seen me do worse and if that runs her off… so be it. That is about where I am in life. Though tomorrow I may feel different.
All I wanted last night was some face-to-face adult interaction that wasn’t my ex husband (I see enough of him). It is something I crave. I am actually quite the lonely woman that lacks in person, non-work hour friendships. I say this because most of my friends live far away (even the ones I work with), and it is not easy for us to get together because it’s either a battle of big city traffic or they live out of state. Most my close friendships are maintained by way of technology of some sort. So needless to say, I was excited to have someone to hang out with in person that wasn’t my family or one of my animals. This is what I get for getting excited about something. I actually mean this because it seems anytime I am excited about something, the universe is like.. ha ha that’s not allowed and something happens to ruin it.
So to put my lack of friendships into perspective, I never went to traditional college so I don’t have friends from college. I was pregnant when I graduated high school. This alone has put me in a different place in life than my peers. One of my current life goals is not to be a grandma, and I have teenagers, where as my friends have newborns and toddlers. I got married when I was 21 to a man who was way older than me. Again, my peers are just now getting married, and I’ve been divorced for almost 10 years now and can’t maintain a stable relationship beyond the year mark. My early adulthood was spent around those older than me and as a result, I was functioning at a level of a 40 year old in my early 20’s. Now I am kind of regressing some. I have never actually been on the same level as my immediate age group. I also work the graveyard shift and have my entire adult life which makes it that much harder to maintain a “normal” life. To further complicate things, I moved far away from home to an area of introverts who come up with new ways on a regular basis on how not to socialize with others. My extroverted nature is not very welcome and does not thrive here. There’s the background info.
Circling back to last night’s full blown drunken failure, I was drunk enough to have everything about myself exposed and incapable of being in denial, yet not drunk enough to just feel nothing (which is what the goal was). It was total mental overload from my own feelings and emotions that I keep squashed down. Today, I am actually not hung over and the only thing that hurts is the knot from where I hit my head last night. I have always had the ability to know when I’ve had too much and to maintain a certain level of sobriety so that I can stay somewhat functional. I call it the curse of being a control freak; I just can’t ever let go enough to lose control. I also text way better in that state than I do sober; that in itself is just plain weird. Said friend at one point didn’t believe that I was actually quite intoxicated.
So here I am unable to deny what is because the alcohol dropped the veil I keep up. I hate the fact I am so lonely all the freaking time. I know people love and care about me but they aren’t physically here. Friendships via technology only does so much for the extrovert in me what wants to experience life in person. Friends in the town I live in are nonexistent because the idea of being friends with someone in adulthood just plain freaks people out. I freak people out. I do it all the time. Its very discouraging.
I find myself envious of my friends who go out with their other friends in a group, have dinner parties, or go on girls’ trips. I hold back tears or full blown ugly cry when no is around because I know that I just don’t have those types of friendships and never have. Once upon a time, I was a socialite in my hometown until a series of events occurred and ultimately, I had to move. But even then, I was never invited to these type of things. It was me hosting, paying to go to these kind of events, or a result of the mommy support group I ran for awhile. It was a rare thing that I was ever invited to a group event; 99% of the time it was one-on-one time which has its merits, but I always felt like and still do feel like I am not good enough to be a part of a group of friends activity. They happen very, very rarely now-a-days. Everyone is too far away or too busy living their lives. As an aside, I am kind of antisocial when it comes to work events. I like to maintain a certain distance from the vast majority of my coworkers.
I question a lot of times what is wrong with me and why I don’t have friendships like other people do. Then I remember… I am bipolar. I have mood shifts and swings when I am sick. I am too much of this or too much of that. I am different. I talk too much. I speak my mind. Most my friend’s SOs I just don’t get along with for whatever reason. I suffocate my friends. I want to actually get out the house and go places and see and do things. I expect too much. There is always something. Always a reason. Whatever the case may be, I am still left feeling alone and craving in person interaction because I am deprived of it. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends I do have and am grateful technology has allowed us to stay in touch. I miss them all very much, but I want them here so that we can do stuff together!!!
My loneliness has resulted in me having a cat who I am allergic to that sneezes in my face all the time and a pup who I can’t take very far because he gets car sick. I have my children, but I need an identity that isn’t just mom or career woman, and this is the part of my life I am speaking to.
I am sure at this point, my readers are like why don’t you date?!? Dating in your 30’s sucks. I can rant forever on it and am choosing not to at this moment.
Now that I am sober again, I can hopefully put that wall back up and carry on, but I know deep down, I am just that sad, lonely woman who is starving for in person friendships to go on adventures with.
Nikki
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