Her

Her. Her is infamous in my world. People are always taken aback when they find out she even exists. I don’t always tell people about her. She’s not really a secret but kind of a surprise legend in my life story.

So who is her? Her name is Liv. She is the only female I was in a relationship with and truly loved. Liv and I knew each other as elementary school children with me being two years older. I helped Liv finish school, and she always looked up to me. I was that girl Liv always had a crush on. I never saw Liv in that manner until that one night.

I had just left my husband and had an affair with a guy who’s wife wanted to trial an open marriage and set us up. Well… that went very bad, very fast. As soon as she found out her husband went through with it, it was a classic case of “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” Big, big drama ensued for everyone involved. Needless to say at this point, I was pretty well over it with men and wanted a break from the drama relating to men.

Not even a few weeks later, Liv calls me out the blue and wants to hang out. Mind you, I hadn’t seen her in quite some time. So sure- why not? I had nothing better to do, and I was trying to figure out life as a single person. We went to dinner; and she filled me in on her life, and I filled her in on mine. After dinner, we went out the the city and there was a lot of alcohol involved. She came home with me that night and didn’t leave until two years later when we finally broke up.

So where I am from, being gay was still considered taboo. It is getting better as America in general is more accepting of it, but back then that was not the case. So here I am freshly separated from my husband of six years, suddenly in a lesbian relationship. I didn’t actually know how I felt about it. I mean I knew I always liked girls, but I hadn’t full embraced the idea that I was not the straight woman everyone assumed I was and that I portrayed myself to be. I wasn’t sure how “out” I wanted to be about it. I was already an outcast enough since I was divorcing the beloved preacher’s son.

Thanks to a loud mouth mutual friend Liv and I had, my entire office knew about it before I even came back from my time off. Liv gets the blame for that one because Liv was the one who told her. Many of my older co-workers were trying to pray away the gay, tell me how morally wrong I was, and how much I was messing up my children. My father was not thrilled about his daughter suddenly being gay either. My mother took her usual, whatever stance. Needless to say, I had really two options: let them talk me out of it or fully embrace it before I was ready and forge on the path of being with another female. I opted to prove everyone wrong and that this was not a phase, this who I really am, and everyone could kiss my ass. I let Liv into my life fully and fell deeply and madly in love with her.

I remember the exact moment I knew I wanted to be with her forever. It was during our first kiss. The whole world disappeared and it was just me and her. We were at the bar sitting there, she pulled me close and it just happened. I may have been a little intoxicated but what I felt was so real. I will never forget that moment. Everything about us changed in that moment. That kiss also lasted for three solid hours.

People would describe Liv and my relationship as perfect harmony or nuclear war because of how much we would swing pendulums and the intensity we had with one another. Everything was always so extreme. We were completely obsessed with one another. We had this mad, passionate love for one another. Neither of us were mature enough to know what to actually do with it nor had either of us ever experienced something to that degree. She was my best friend, and we did everything together. We worked the same schedules, and we always were with one another. We had started to lose identity as individual people. Our forgivable flaws started to become not so forgivable. It eventually started to turn into a toxic mess.

During all of this, I was also starting to get sick. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I was in full blown manias, then I would crash and wouldn’t get out of bed for days on end. I was also having mixed episodes, all the while rapid cycling through it. I was terrified to be alone because I didn’t trust myself and didn’t know what I would do or what was causing such extreme responses in me. I was steadily losing my sanity. I didn’t know I was bipolar at the time. She didn’t know what was wrong with me either. She suffocated me because I couldn’t tell her what was wrong and what was happening. She just wanted to understand what was happening to me and to be able to fix it. I just knew something was very, very wrong with me, and I wasn’t sure how much longer my sanity was going to stay intact. We were both scared.

Logically, I should have been placed inpatient or at least seen someone on an outpatient basis, but I was in my mid-20’s, stubborn, in denial, and terrified I was going to be deemed as crazy and lose my job and kids. Mental illness was more taboo than being gay back then and where I am from. But that is in hind sight. What did I do? I told Liv she needed someone more stable and deserved better who wasn’t crazy. She said she wouldn’t leave my side. I told her she had to. She refused.

This is where mania is a bitch. This was my grand solution– I did the unforgivable. I cheated so she would finally let set herself free from me and what I was experiencing. I didn’t want to bring her down with me. I knew she would hurt but would eventually heal. Biggest regret of my life. I lost the love of my life and the only person I ever fully let in my life. I cried for months on end. I am pretty sure it hurt me more than her. I loved her then. I never stopped loving her.

I got what I deserved; she disappeared and shut me completely out of her life and rightfully so. I was so lost without her. I tried for years to tell her I was sorry and that I still loved her. I finally got to a point where I wouldn’t talk about her or even let people know she existed. It hurt that much.

She moved on relatively quickly. She did exactly what I told her not to do. She ended up in super shitty relationships; those are her for her tell not me. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t angry about it. She was supposed to find happiness with someone else because I couldn’t give it to her. That is all I ever wanted for her– to be with someone who makes her happy and treats her right and well who is mentally sane.

As for me, she remains the longest relationship post marriage. I have always looked for someone similar to her but never could find it. I have been in an endless series of horrible and abusive relationships that have left me drained and jaded. I never could bring myself to ever really date another woman because I couldn’t risk losing someone like her again. I never, ever wanted to experience the pain that I did when I lost Liv. That was the absolute worst pain I have ever felt in my life.

Fast forward eight years- I now know what was wrong with me and know how to better manage it. I finally get to see her again in a few weeks. It will be the first time we will see each other face to face since we broke up. I don’t know what will happen. A lot has changed for us both. Life has happened to us both. I will say this much, I did actually gasp when I saw a recent picture of her again for the first time. Regardless of the outcome, Liv will always have a place tucked in my heart that is just for her.

Nikki