My head just keeps spinning and I keep obsessing. I just can’t get her off my mind and trying to sort out how I really feel about things. Let’s also add in the fact that the song “Total Eclipse of the Heart” is stuck in my head and will not come out.
I finally saw Liv again. Basically, I got off the plane, got my kids settled at their grandparent’s house, and off I went for a few hours with her. The initial encounter was a lot more anti-climatic than I thought it would be. It also didn’t help that my child ran out to give her a hug before I made it outside to greet her. I was for sure thinking I would cry. No tears were shed, instead she gave me a half hearted one arm hug that I did complain about being utterly inadequate for seeing someone for the first time in almost a decade. I got a real one later in the night.
The initial encounter was like two old friends seeing each other again: no anxiety; just picking up where we left off as friends (not lovers). We talked a lot. She and I pushed, pulled, and toyed with the idea of what would happen. We talked about what has happened since we last saw one another. I told her about a lot of the stuff I’ve been through since then.
She talked some about what’s happened to her. We have been talking for the last few weeks so most of this was just reinforcing what we already knew. Seeing her so drained and broken brought up even more emotions and things I wasn’t prepared to feel or face.
I am trying so hard to cope with how I feel about this whole thing. I do feel partially responsibily for the breakage of Olivia Young. I keep telling her she’s not broken, but she is. I think, nope… that’s a lie… I know… its me in denial that she is indeed quite broken, and I played a large part in that. What she did and the choices she made in the years I was gone only made it worse. I am also seeing what my illness fully manifesting undiagnosed did to someone I love and care about. I get to see in the flesh the aftermath of the destruction I caused. It’s quite unsettling.
Bipolar people always have some kind of major regret during manic episodes before we are diagnosed which is what causes us to seek out help. Most of the time it’s money-related. My regret was the loss of Liv.
After her, I spent my energy, effort and time in an endless series of just outright bad relationships with men who used and abused me. I knew getting into those relationships that these men were not emotionally capable of healthy relationships. I wouldn’t date a female again because that was too close a memory to Liv. Though, I did have a failed attempt of having a “girlfriend” for all of a few short days, and she was completely bat-shit. There is no other way to describe her.
I had this epiphany that even with David, the guy I cheated on her with, I needed that relationship to be okay because I chose him over her. Now looking at it several years later, I actually did not. What I did was I succumbed to my illness and said it was him I “loved”. I let him in to help me save her from me even though on the surface it appeared he was saving me from her. This is how my mind worked at the time. I couldn’t control me, so I tried to control her by driving her away. I forced her away to let her be free of what was happening to me. I didn’t want her to spend her life chasing after my crazy or visiting me in psych wards. It stressed us both out.
David will be his own post. He is a whole big wonderful barrel of crap all on his own.
Refocusing… Here I am up at 3 am knowing I need to be functional in about 4 hours writing because I can’t get this off my mind and when I lay in bed, I toss and turn til the point of pure frustration.
I am so freaking angry with Liv!!! I was finally at a point in life where I was figuring out myself and why I do the stupid crap I do. I was finally at a point where I didn’t feel broken anymore and had my life together. I moved on from what I did in the past. I was a better person. I finally was starting to aim higher and stopped dating until I found someone worth dating (which hasn’t happened yet). But ooooooooh no…. Liv… “wyd” 3 freaking letters shattered my whole view of myself and I completely imploded.
I did always feel broken so I chose what I perceived to be more broken then me men. I also wanted them emotionally incapable or unavailable. I couldn’t get hurt if knew this upfront. Right? I wanted to fix these men. That was my goal and my self prophesied purpose in life. Usually, that blew up in my face! Either I was sucked into their world, they left me, or I got attached and that snowballed into its own disaster. The vast majority also left plenty of emotional scars as part of me being sucked into their world and allowing myself to be the target of thier abuse. Despite knowing what I did about them, I still wanted and expected to be loved even though it was not possible. I always justified it by clinging to the one good aspect they had and focused on that. I haven’t sustained a relationship lasting past the year mark since Liv.
So last night as I am talking to Liv, I realized exactly why I felt this way… The one person who loved me the way I needed to be loved, I drove away and crushed her heart. As a result, I felt the need to continuely punish myself becuase I had not forgiven myself for what I did to Liv.
I never forgave myself for what happened with Liv. I never forgave myself for hurting her. So when she came back and I saw what her life had become, I blamed myself and wanted to fix it. I want to make it right.
And… I can’t!!!!!
I can’t make it better. All I can do is be a friend and share my experiences with what I have been through and support her as much as she will allow me. I can only hold her hand through so much because ultimately she has to make the decision to deal with her own demons. Only she carries the sword to slay them. I can walk her through the forest to get to the sword, but she has to be the one to pull it out the stone and use it. Its her magick that will kill the demons inside her. Only she knows where to find them and how to annihilate them.
While she is on her own battlefield, I need to forgive myself for the things done when I was undiagnosed and untreated. I need to move forward so that I can have a healthy relationship, whether it be with her or someone else. I have some healing to continue to do as well.
I need sleep…
Nikki
Damsel vs Bipolar 