This is actually from April 28, 2020 that I never posted…
So it’s been quite awhile since I’ve written. Part of it is because its been busy, partly because I lack the ability to sit and focus to let things out.
Last I wrote, I finally saw Liv again. Then I just quit writing about it.
I spent at least 6 hours a night with Liv during that trip. Then I came home and we talked off and on. We had this argument and finally all my feeling as to why I felt so queasy when I thought about her became clear. I did not break her… she broke me!
Denial. Its such a wonderful yet dangerous thing. I knew I was always good at ignoring red flags. I know this about myself. I just didn’t relize the memories I was capable of blocking out.
She is the only person who has ever left bruises on me or tried to take away my life twice with her hands. Amazing how I just forgot. She reminded me of it. She also reminded me that it was the night before a really big interview. What in the hell? How do I just forget?!?!
I didn’t talk to her for a little while while I let it process. Then I went back to town with one of my city girl friends. We saw her for a whole 30 mins in the middle of the night. We talked a little off and on. Pandemic… need I say more?
Anyways, last time we talked, she informed me she was “dating” someone. Not a huge shocker. I knew she wouldn’t stay single. However it set me off. She just played with my emotions. I forgave her. I still wanted her. I still loved her. I blamed myself for everything when really it was her. I don’t claim full innocence but I definately had more to be concerned with than I thought.
I am just angry. I am angry with her. I am angry with me. I am angry I let people take away so much from me. She completely made me feel worthless and stupid me loved the abuser. So many memories came flooding back from that time. Things I just blocked out.
I told her I would grieve one more time after all of her disappearances. My inability to let her go kept me bound to her. I finally told her what I should have a very long time ago. She’s “dead to me.” She no longer needs to exist in my world. She is just a narcassist, mean girl. She needed me to get her through her tough times. She needed the ego boost. She needed her safe person. No more. I am done. I don’t want to grieve I just want to be able to speak of her and not be so angry. I want the anger I feel towards her to be gone. I want the hatred I feel inside of me gone.
Its funny, I was always afraid to hate her or be truly angry with her. I guess I knew once I hit that point, I would never have her back in life. Why was I so afraid? I already know love doesn’t always prevail all. Love only takes you so far.
I used to fear being angry at my father for the things he’s done to me. It took me a long time to finally feel true anger towards him.
I feel rage and whiney a lot but feeling true anger, I rarely feel it. I don’t ever want revenge, I just sit and cry about the things taken from me. I just need to regain my power. Liv tore me down to feeling like I deserved the life I was dealt. In my story, she is a villan. She gave me all this false hope and clung to me. I felt like I meant something, but at the end of the day, she is who she will always be– a narcassist, self-aborbed, manipulative gaslighting bitch. Best part is she has no idea how I could ever even think that about her because “the world doesn’t revolve around you or anyone for that matter” oh and I am “so dumb.”
Nikki
Nikki
Damsel vs Bipolar 