Shattered

He was supposed to come over and do our usual morning thing and snuggle before he had to go home to his other life. Instead he bails and breaks up with me via text saying all the things he wants which is for this thing we had swept under the rug and things be normal between us in a platonic manner.

I felt nothing when I read it. Even now days later as I read it, I can’t muster up any feelings. The pain that man has caused me has gotten me to a place where I am cold and numb. I feel hollowed out and empty. I am scared of what happens when I come out of the dark depths of this depression. I worry about what happens when the mania wants to come out and play and how hard and fast it’s gonna hit. I worry about losing control. I worry about what I will do.

This is not me. I am usually self aware and have control. Right now… I am not so sure.

No one has been able to accomplish what he did. No one has broken me to the degree he did. Now I am left on the floor and shattered.

Shattered is the only accurate word to describe how I feel. Some pieces on the floor, some levitating around me. I don’t feel intact. I feel myself scattered around me. I have a few moments when I feel like some of the pieces come together, but the glue doesn’t exist. They just kind of float into close proximity to one another then drift away at random times.

My strength is gone. A lot of times, it’s all about the muscle memory I have managed to retain that gets me through the day. When I feel fine… I am just not. I can hold it together for a short period, then then back to a zillion pieces I go. My anxiety has a hard grip on me. The depression is overwhelming. The mania is dormant… for now; it’s sitting there… waiting… waiting for the perfect opportunity to swoop in and wreck havoc.

This is what my life looks like right now… yesterday I needed to go to the store. Simple thing? Right? Yea.. so very wrong. I needed bacon and bread so I could make breakfast. It took me over 3 hours to muster the energy and motivation to even leave the house. I did okay, then I saw the sweet potatoes. Those were his thing. He eats them raw. One of his many charming weirdo quirks.

Anyways… I was able to keep it together to finish getting my produce. Then as I am walking to check out, I started to cry. I didn’t so much panic this time. I was just really overwhelmed with the fact that I was there at the store by myself and the realization he would never be joining me again. I checked out— teary-eyed. As soon as I got outside, I crumbled. I sat in my car and sobbed for a little while. I pulled it together and was able to drive myself home. When I got home, I froze. I couldn’t move. I stayed frozen in my car for over an hour. I finally came in and made my children put away the groceries as I retreated to my safe space.

This is what it’s been like. I do okay.. then I am not ok. I am shattered and broken. I am depleted of all coping skills. I hide in my room. It’s been weeks now. I stopped eating for awhile. I lost 10 pounds total. I am literally just wasting away… my mind and body. My emotions have deadened and dulled.

It went from “I can’t wait to spend forever with you” to the one thing he swore up and down he never would do… he wanted to make it work with his wife all because she told him she didn’t care he was in love with me! I should have never trusted him, but I did.

Now… now I am left shattered.

Nikki