Stages of grief

I keep going from extreme sadness to anger to what if… I just keep cycling through the stages of grief. I cry randomly because I miss him. I want to hate him so I make myself angry. I remind myself what he did. He broke me. He lied to me. He left me. I wasn’t the one who wanted this! He was the one who made me fall in love with him! Sometimes I take a step back and ask why? Everyone who knew us knows that we did love each other very much. Why did that suddenly all change? It actually didn’t. So why would he go back to the life he was so desperate to escape? My assumption is he was scared. So many questions! And all I get from him is “I don’t know.” Or when I am being a total bitch, I tell him to look me in the face and tell me he doesn’t love me or want me…. he still has not to be able to do either. The last attempt was a few days ago.

Today either I am in a place of acceptance or in more denial. I am not really sure which. As I come to grips with the fact I am no longer with him and see where I need to grow and heal, I start to see that this was supposed to happen. I knew before we would have to break up in order to make it and have a healthy relationship. I fought that one until I had no fight in me left. How did I know? It was just one of those things I just knew in my gut.

I got very angry with the universe for bringing him to me and giving me everything I wanted- right down to one of his names- just to rip him away! The universe and I have gone round and round for my entire existence about why she hates me so much! Here is the man who made me happier than I’ve ever been. I fell in love with him and his child! Then push came to shove and boom! Both gone. I completely imploded and left as a pile of rubble and ash! Why universe?!? Why?!? I have been through enough! Why can’t I just have this?!? Why must he be taken away?!? Why did you put him in my life?!? Ugh… this bitch…

Grief stricken I am.

Denial- I knew he was trying to walk away before I got that text. I just wouldn’t listen. I knew the chapter was over the last time he saw me in person the night he went to tell her he was leaving her for me. I also knew he wasn’t going to do it all the way. I was ignored for 2 days while he drank himself into a stupor running away from his feelings. I couldn’t handle the idea of us not being an us. I told him he wasn’t allowed to end it. Denial. Lots of denial. I should have just let him walk away. Maybe he would be where he should be… home with me.

Anger- the slap in the face he got from me was undeniably anger. Loads of anger. He also got more anger every time we talk or he sees me. I am angry at the fact he went to great lengths for me to fall in love with him just to leave me. I am also angry that he lied to me promising every day, my fears were not valid because he would never go back to her. I am also angry he is not here with me. Let’s also not forget I am angry that I still have to see him on a regular basis and won’t be able to fully escape him. I am also angry because I don’t get to have a relationship with his child any longer. I have legit anger, but also anger is the easiest emotion to convey. It’s an easy decoy to cover up how I really feel. Most of the anger I have is me hiding the depression.

Bargaining comes next. I tried to say things were okay, and I would be patient while he musters up the balls to tell his wife he’s leaving and ending their 20 + years marriage. Who was I kidding?!? I am not that patience nor do I have that kind of strength. Even now, I would take him back, however, there are certain conditions to be met in order for that to happen. I would do almost anything to have this fool back and me in his arms.

Depression- this one is the one I have not left yet. I cry all the time and sometimes just can’t breathe. I find myself pleading with the universe to bring him home and apologizing for whatever is I did to make him go away. The universe is sometimes a jack ass… I said bring him home to me… not put him in my face for several hours the other night while I try to keep up my professional classy bitch face when I am falling apart underneath. I also have had to succumb to getting back on meds to combat the deep dark depths of depression I was— well am—- lost in. I still don’t see much a light, but at least I am out of bed… it’s been close to 3 weeks.

And finally— acceptance… I have been able to say out loud that he is indeed not coming back. I also don’t actually believe that. When I finally saw him face to face in my word vomit, I asked him what am I supposed to do when he decides to come back? He’s was taken off guard. He said my anger was a big deterrent and that was more an if. Let’s be clear, he gets very controlled verbal anger and I don’t ever actually curse him out. I do a lot of talking AT him and why he needs to get his shit together. I do a lot of monologues in his presence. I mean I like to hear myself talk but not that much… Anyways, me in true Nikki form retorted with “okay… well you said you would never go back to your wife and you did… so I don’t exactly believe you.” He found no point in arguing. One of the few smart things he’s done recently.

So do I think our story is over? No. I have decided what I want. I want him back. I want to hold each other’s hands through the darkness and through the struggles. I want us to be each other’s rocks. I want the step child I was supposed to have. I want him and all that comes with it. I want my best friend and snuggle buddy back.

I firmly believe and know we needed to break up so we could end our relationships (his with his wife and mine with my ex husband) without the influence of the other and that we are doing this for ourselves and not each other. We also need to be able to start the healing process on our own and not have each other as a crutch. With this said though, I am not waiting on him and if something good comes along, I am going for it.

I am going to do my own healing with or without him. I can finally say I will be okay with or without him. I may not be okay now, but I will be in time. Do I want him here to hold me and love me through the darkest of moments? Absolutely! But it’s not required. He has his own demons to battle; demons I awoke when I made him come back alive (his words not mine). I want to be there for him, but he has to ask me to. I can’t force my presence on him despite very much wanting to.

I have accepted why he left. He left because I was too real. We fell really hard and really fast and in a blink, his whole world view of himself came crashing down. I woke up the jabberwocky he has been running and hiding from. He couldn’t handle it. No man thus far has been able to- at least not at first. I am the scariest beast that exists despite all my light and love. I am the mirror that sees past all the walls, behind the veils, and cuts through all the layers and forces a person to look at who s/he is in the most pure form whether it be for good and for bad. I rank right up there with being one’s own worst enemy because I am the one who exposes it. I show what people spend their existence hiding from. As my former boy bestie would say, I viciously strip people to the core and leave them raw and exposed. I’ve also been called and emotional terrorist because of this as well.

I know what I am, and I know what I am capable of. I’ve known for a long time. It is what it is. I just try not to do it but when it does happen… I have to accept what I have done. And I did it again.

The thing is I don’t do it out of hate or malicious purposes. It is not to get one over on someone. I do it with love and compassion to help someone heal and move on in life. I pull away all the layers that have clouded the root of the problem to get to the source so that the demons can be slayed and the best version can shine through and become the new norm. That’s what I did to him.

He did the usual response… how can anyone love this? I am not deserving of you or your love. Yes dummy… you are worthy of my love. You are worthy of unconditional love. You are worthy of whatever happiness the universe brings you. You are worthy of the best life.

He is also not ready to face himself. That I can’t shove along even if I tried. I am hoping the universe gives him a swift kick in the ass to get the ball rolling. I don’t want to wait forever. The window is rapidly closing.

Have I accepted we are really over? No, but I have accepted what I have done to him and what I need to do for myself. So maybe a little denial… a little acceptance. May the stages of grieving carry on…

Nikki