I am pretty well convinced the universe hates me. I can’t ever seem to catch a break. Everyday is some new challenge. Once one fiasco is over… I seem to walk right into another. People around me have come to believe I love drama, and I attract it wherever I go. The second part is true, the first is not.
I mean really?!? I literally moved across the country to get away from my family life drama. I try to avoid it as much as I can but it always finds me. I am suckered into believing things will be alright, and they never are. I even get the universe saying, it’s okay this is supposed to happen… she lies… a lot. I am just so tired of shit going sideways and wonky. I am also very tired of feeling crazy and defeated all the time.
Let’s take my break up for example… it’s not enough that he broke my heart, then he’s literally shoved in my face for several days and I am expected to keep it together and remain with my classy bitch professional face on! I am dying inside. All I want to do is cry. I feel myself unraveling more and more every time I hear his laugh or his voice. Even his gross old man noises make me miss him. I am having full blown implosion. Universe! I hope you are happy! I broke! I am having the nervous break down! I am paranoid about my career that I have strived so hard to keep intact! Thank you. Thank you for continuing to always push me, it was a matter of time before I broke and now I did. So unless you have a grand plan you would like to fill me in on… I am done with your shit! It’s time for you to stop being so damn cruel!
Some background on me and religion… god isn’t much better…
I was once a good little Christian girl. I used to attend church every Sunday. I had a church family. I was involved in church extracurriculars. I even led a Moms group and was involved in a bible study group. That all came crashing down when I chose to be with and love Liv. I let her in all the way more so than I ever did with my husband. I let myself be happy. So what was the consequence for that? My whole church family shunned me! It’s ironic because they always taught how they accepted everyone including the gays… I guess that was true as long as the gay one wasn’t one of their own. To be fair, I had become known as the girl who divorced the pastor’s son and left him for a girl— whether that had anything to do with it or not. But for the record, I left him because of him, not for anyone else. As far as his dad goes, he was not as holy as everyone assumed he was. He is a controlling, manipulative prick. No love lost.
I also struggled with the idea that “with God all things are possible.” My life was more a mess then than it is now. So many times I was on my hands and knees begging for mercy. Begging for my life to get easier. Begging for my friends back. Begging for people to stop telling me I was wrong to love Liv. I can’t even tell you how many coming to Jesus talks I had gotten by “my friends” and the other set that outright disowned me, turned their back on me, and refused to acknowledge I ever existed. Funny how the teachings of the Lord is to accept all, forgive all, and let the judgment be left to him… yet all my God-fearing and loving friends did the exact opposite. The Christian community I came from are nothing but a bunch of hypocrites. And where was God? Nowhere to be found! That’s where!
Naturally, after this occurred, I asked God what was the purpose in that? What was I supposed to learn from this? Did he really think it would bring me closer? My ex husband took it as a sign for me to get back with him. 10 years later… that’s still the very latest thing I want in my life! So… after lots of silence and no answers, I decided to turn away from the church and find a new path. The more I learned about paganism the more I discovered the whole Christian faith was all about fear and stolen holidays/ traditions. I still haven’t gone back. I do find old churches beautiful, but thats about as far as it goes.
We all need something to believe in. I do believe in the Christian god but he’s not the one I choose to worship. I actually don’t worship any higher power. I just argue with the universe and her plans for me. I’ve tried communing with several goddesses but they all eventually fall silent. So I am stuck with fate/ the universe… and her and I are in a quarrel at the moment. When things are fine, she likes to throw a monkey wrench in there an make things not fine!
I wish my life were easier. I wish I didn’t have as much struggle as I do. I wish that he and I would have just worked out or at least the universe could send me the person who is supposed to be my life partner. I just want to be loved unconditionally. I want to be viewed as not the crazy one. I want to find happiness in a partnership. I am pretty happy with who I have become. I just want to be able to trust someone and s/he not demolish that trust. I just want things to be a little bit easier! I am tired of riding in the struggle bus!!! So please universe… hear my cries of desperation… please let life get easier and less painful or at minimum show what it is that I am supposed to learn so I can take that lesson and move on. I just want of the perpetual hot mess express and struggle bus I seem to always have a permanent seat on!
Nikki
Damsel vs Bipolar 