Well if you are reading this, you officially survived 2020! Hats off to you! Seriously you should be proud, 2020 was one hell of a year for everyone in some way, shape or form! I don’t foresee the world magically changing over night just because we entered into a new year, but things will start to get better. They have to, right?!? Hopefully the unspoken mental health crisis will take some limelight, actually be acknowledged, and be remedied. I am not the only one in a mental health crisis, I am just outspoken enough to be willing to admit that I am not okay at the moment.
I am that extrovert in a sea of introverts. I don’t conform to societal standards. I am too loud and too open. I don’t hide who or what I am. Honestly… it’s just too much effort not to be me and being me is exhausting enough. Being bipolar is enough of a daily struggle. It’s a fight to manage the swings and extremes to function as a socially accepted person.
I have found some positives in my personality— people around me are less afraid to hide their true self. They feel safe enough to just be them in whatever manner they choose to be. I take pride in the fact that I have that effect on people.
But back to the whole being bipolar thing in the new year… I am hoping 2021 brings me a little more stability and peace in my life overall. 2020 was not kind to me especially in the quest for a life partner department, then again no year really ever is.
Let’s sum up my dating life thus far… I have dated more losers, users and abusers than I care to admit to. Some were from my past and other were from the present… didn’t matter if we met online or organically… it all ends. Some more heartbreaking than others. I’ve also been out with enough to know how truly traumatizing the dating scene really is. The whole swiping capability really has ruined everything about dating. That, though, is a rant for another day.
So here I am at the start of a new year… I am out and about wandering around appreciating my surroundings. Beauty is everywhere. I still don’t feel joy. I just want to feel joy again. I want to laugh until it hurts. I want to be able to have the compassion I once had. I want to feel again. Right now I go back and forth between feeling hollowed out and empty to feeling pain… lots of pain and lots of sadness.
I heard a small child singing in the store yesterday, I turned around hoping it was his kid. It was not; however, everything inside me missed his child. I, of course, fell apart at the store again. Another reality hit, I didn’t just lose him… I lost the family we were supposed to be.
My biggest struggle right now is I just want to know the truth. I want to know why he really left me. We were still very much in love with one another. He didn’t actually leave me to work on his marriage. There isn’t another woman. So why did he rip apart everything good in our lives and throw it all away?!? As much as I hate it, I still miss him and I still want him to come home, crawl into bed with me and hold me til we fall asleep. I want to kiss him a gazillion times. I want to here him tell me he loves me a thousand times a day. I want to be in his arms. I want my best friend and boyfriend back!!! Though he better have a damn good explanation before he walks through that door as to why he ran away like he did! “I don’t know” won’t work— just to be clear!
I love him. I loved us. I loved the family dynamic we were creating. I loved all his weirdo quirks. I loved to poke at his face just to annoy him and he just let me even though I knew he was cringing inside. I loved that he let me. I loved to watch his face squinch up when I stuck my cold hands on his belly. I loved how he would just fix the random stuff around my house. What I loved most is how safe and secure I felt in his arms. I could look into his eyes and I saw us together forever. My favorite picture of us is me looking stupid because we were supposed to be taking a silly selfie, instead he has his head resting on mine and all that can be seen is the glow and light in his face; the undeniable look of a man in love with a woman.
So universe.. why?!? Why in the hell did he leave me?!?!? Why did forever have to end?!? I was finally good enough. I finally let love in. I let things happen organically… I didn’t go backwards… I met someone on my playing field! What did I do to deserve this fate?!?!? Love too hard, love too fast, then the world comes crashing down. Yay bipolar love!
And the melt down continues… I really thought today I would be more okay… I was wrong…
Nikki
Damsel vs Bipolar 