As I am still trying to process all of this… I just heard the most chilling line of all time— “does he love his family or does the love the idea of them loving him?” It’s in regards to a show I just watched and was the end commentary to the finale.
It got me to my core. Did he actually truly love me? Or did he just love the idea that someone paid attention to him and showed him everything he ever really wanted? He wasn’t getting attention at home. He alluded to emotional affairs with others before he and I became a thing. I swore up and down I wasn’t going to go there with him. Then he clicked on the charm… he went to great lengths to get me to fall for him and feel safe in doing so. He paid attention to me. He showed me what it was like to be wanted. We intertwined our families. Was any of it actually real? Or was it all him just using me to make himself happy? Is he really that much a narcissist?
I have/ had a hard time accepting the fact the he really is a sociopath and narcissist. I really want to believe he is just truly lost and I just scared the crap out of him with my intensity and how much I saw through his walls. Now I am not so sure. He does shit to make sure I can’t ever truly break free. He watched me spiral. He watched me fall apart. On the outside he showed zero emotion. None. It just made me spiral more until I finally ran away so I regain composure. I’ve been hiding for weeks. I want to puke all the time. I have maintained control and haven’t pulled any “crazy girl” antics! I haven’t done anything worthy of being deemed psychotic. I have mostly done a lot of whining and talking at him/ pleading with him for him to let me go or just come back… he can’t have it both ways. I finally had to cut of all contact last week.
His only redemption that doesn’t have me fully convinced he is either sociopath or narcissist because of the fact that I did make him cry and I took him completely off guard when I did it. He did flood with tears when I told him I couldn’t handle being around him and I was leaving the company. It was a genuine reaction. Though I did also make my stalker and the drug addict cry before they both vowed vengeance against me.
I feel like I should have gotten more closure from that encounter, and I didn’t. He did, however, block me on his social media. Only reason I even know is because I was looking for a post of his to show a friend. Not super sure what he thought I was going to do. I legit just wanted to get away from him so that I could heal and not have him in my face all the time. I have no desire to call him, text him, see him, etc. I really and truly needed a break from him so that I could just be. I didn’t need or want him in my face all the time pretending everything is okay when clearly it is not!
It’s funny, today I got in the mirror and told myself over and over again, “he is not coming back.” My reflection looked back and at me and said “who are you trying to convince? You know that’s not true.” I can’t even believe my own self!
I have no idea why I keep holding on to the idea of him coming back! I am not even sure if I want him to because how will I ever trust him again? I mean yes I want we had back, but let’s be honest… it will never be the same. As much as I have whined, cried, pleaded and begged for the universe to bring him back… I just don’t know how forgiving I can actually be. Not seeing him is giving me the opportunity to finally evaluate that. How much do I want him back? And what do I actually feel about him? I still don’t have the answers right this second, but the fact that I can look at myself in the mirror and know I am going to be okay… that is enough for now.
Nikki
Damsel vs Bipolar 