When I woke up late this morning, the sun greeted me. Oops. I overslept. Though, what should I really be doing today? I have a long list of stuff to be done that just isn’t getting done. Like the laundry basket full of clothes that need to be put away, the bathroom remodel I keep putting off, more homework, running to the UPS store to return books from last term and the ones I dropped this term, and it just keeps going. I did attempt to dispute a check that was stolen from my mailbox and a missing package with zero success. The money peeps are apparently on a self-proclaimed holiday because they are all out of the office today.
Yea, so about that… The one time someone decided to steal stuff out of my mailbox, it was a hat I had been waiting on and a large refund check. Really, universe?!? On any other day, it would have been junk or bills I already knew about. So annoying. Super annoying. WTF?!?
When I went to talk to the company that I bought my hat from, they refused to do anything about it and said, “it was in possession of the postal office; therefore, there was nothing to be done.” Cool, so I am out $50, and no product, and they didn’t bother to insure the package. Lame. Such lousy business practices. Too bad for them– an honest review and no more business from me for them. They had such cute hats too.
Crap… I just looked at my agenda for a meeting tomorrow. Him… They gave him another chance to show. Like, why? The topic is already of stuff we know. Guess it’s time for this sista to get cute for a meeting tomorrow. Am I over him? Sure. However, it doesn’t mean I can’t make him miss what he gave up… just saying. Petty? Absolutely, but I am single… I have no one to answer to, so sure, why not let out my inner bitter bitch in a super passive-aggressive way just because I know he will be paying attention. He always has and always will. I am that girl he had and let go to live a life of misery– it’s hard to hide when you look at him. Thank god I didn’t fill out that profile they wanted on me so they could highlight all my accomplishments. Now, that would have just been awkward. He doesn’t need to know what I’ve really been up to.
In all reality, the truth is I am still lonely. I don’t trust my new set of co-workers or anyone, really. They have made it clear that I have entered the realm of the old lady…. mind you, I am not even 40 yet! But they are all young, in their 20s, and like to drink and whine about the injustices of the world and how they aren’t being paid their worth. I will rather be off doing things and experiencing life. I do feel ostracized and like a freak. I hear the whispers of going out together and not inviting me along. I also realize I am more prim and proper than they are. I don’t just invite myself places; it’s rude. Though, it would be nice to be included, even if I am more a mature adult. I do still have feelings that can be hurt and often are by them.
Truth be told, I do myself no favors with my inherent fear and assume everyone hates me until proven otherwise. If any kind of negative vibe comes my way, I shell up and hide, then whine about how everyone hates me. Realistically, it is just a few, not the masses. The loud ones, unfortunately, I hear the most and ruin it for everyone. I have a lifetime of rejection to thank for that one. A person can only be rejected so much by so many key players in their life that no matter how much therapy you do, it still sits in the back of your mind that you are unwanted and unlovable. So, thank you, mom and dad, for always making me feel like a mistake and unworthy of the love and affection a child should receive that has carried with me into adulthood. Lucky me, I came into adulthood not knowing what it meant to be unconditionally loved. Now as much as I crave it, I don’t really know what it means to receive it and how to recognize it even when it smacks me in the face. But that’s a post for another day.
There is some truth to the fact I am my own worst enemy. I can be an impossible human being. I swing from being unapologetically me to pleading for acceptance then I just implode somewhere in the middle. I need to get it together and not give a flying eff what anyone thinks. It’s what makes me the scary beast I am…. when I just don’t give a shit when my usual demeanor is an uptight A-type headstrong alpha female with OCD. Bipolar at its finest. Swing, swing, roar, swing, crash!
I justify to others I am like I am because I have to be. Although it’s not an entire lie, I had to work my ass off to be a functional and successful human being; I neglect the part of letting people in enough to care about me. He was one of the few I did let in and let myself completely drop my guard. Then… well… he shattered me, and I haven’t really opened up since. I didn’t even let Liv in the way I did with him. The only other person I let in enough to protect me and be vulnerable to, I lost twice– once to circumstance and the other to death. This was the Yellow Knight; more on him later.
Okay, so I should clarify that there is a big difference between being the overly needy girlfriend and friend and letting people in. I do the cling-on thing exceptionally well and look for reasons to remain shut down so that I can validate why I don’t trust anyone. I self-sabotage and set impossible standards. I want people to fail, so I make them do so. I really do have a distorted sense of being. I do it in the name of self-preservation.
Apparently, though, all it takes is a kiss on a bridge and a walk in the cemetery to make me drop my guard; at least, that’s how he did it. I honestly don’t know how Yellow Knight did it, but to be fair, I didn’t realize the extent of it until after he died. However, in his case, it didn’t matter. Ironically, him and the Yellow Knight have the same name in real life and a 15-year age gap (him is older).
Now, I find myself slowly letting someone else in, even when they aren’t to my impossible standards. I don’t even care. It’s terrifying. This time all it took was singing some Spice Girls at 5 am. She got a glimpse of the person I hide inside- I did the entire opening scene to Bring It On, verbatim. The best part… she called me out on having a crush then said it wasn’t mutual, but said I am fun to hang with and wants to go on an out-of-town trip together. Damn it, universe! I can’t win. Back in the box those feelings go as I actively put forth effort to keep my walls up.
Well, there you have it… it’s another glorious morning (well afternoon now) on this hot mess express…
All aboard,
Nikki
Damsel vs Bipolar 