COVID- a demonic plague

My eyes have turned red, and I am coughing up gobs of, I don’t even know what kind of slime. COVID has turned me into a fat demon! I swear I am the only one who gains weight when sick. I did this last time as well. On the upside, my face isn’t on fire anymore. It only took another trip to a different ER and more meds and tweaking home meds. I still have a long way to go before I am normal again.

I don’t really sleep. I have had Good Witch playing in the background. I kind of track my sleep by how many episodes have passed during sleep. In the last 24 hours, I’ve slept maybe 3-4 hours. I woke up because I couldn’t breathe out my nose, felt myself draining from my facial orifices, and my sinuses aching. I got a grand total of an hour of sleep in that nap.

I feel really out of sorts all the way around. I did get some schoolwork done, but I have a 6-page essay looming over me. I already talked to my instructor, and he’s aware I am not the most coherent person on the planet at the moment. So, I have some grace for now.

School isn’t what’s bothering me, though. Its work. It’s always work. I just hate it there. I resent the shit out of so many people. I try to maintain a positive attitude, and for whatever good or great comes my way that much more and multiplied shade is thrown at me. It’s exhausting. I am tired. It’s so toxic. I keep telling myself I need to persevere. It will get better. But will it? I feel like it’s something new every day. I feel like I am so much all the time. I feel like it’s never-ending. I feel alone and isolated. I feel like I don’t belong. Getting sick was maybe a wake-up call. I don’t know. I am too drained to even analyze it or fathom an alternative solution until I am done with school.

Things need to change. I am not so much convinced I need to change, but something has to. I feel like I am who I am supposed to be and doing the work I am supposed to do for this trip to the earth. I do need to stop looking for friendship here. I need to also stop wallowing in my loneliness. I need to just find comfort in being me and doing me alone. I resent and loathe the fact I have been forced to become an introvert. My heart sinks and shrivels as a result.

A friend told me that I don’t smile anymore. He is right. I don’t have much to smile for anymore. But I do like a person who does make me smile. I feel like we both bring out some light in one another in our darkness. I wish he would figure it out and ask me out already. I am not super worried about running him off though I should be. Either we will be, or we won’t. Simple as that. Friendship is fine too. He’s a fucking mess. I’m a mess. Messy can be beautiful when nurtured in the right way. Boys are stupid and slow.

Ugh, Hallmark… will you marry me? Really? A proposal as I whine about singleness. Shit. I am super single. Married to my job. I need to step back some, but I don’t know how. I feel like I am still trapped in a lousy marriage with my ex-husband. I need to redivorce him too. I need to find some kind of happiness.

This brings me to my current quest… Siamese cats. I found two I want; however, they are literally across the country and require me to fly out to get them. The current hang-ups with this plan– I am super sick and stuck in bed, and the damn people won’t get back to me! These two little creatures are the absolute most stunning babies I have ever seen. There is actually 3 and one is a little black cat, but I can’t. But how true is that? I am already a cat lady. Even though 2 are essentially barn cats. I want two, so they can love me and still have one another when I am not around. I wish these people would message me back already. It’s so frustrating. Then again, I have way too much time to obsess over it. Adopting has become quite a complicated task. Though, there is truth to my ex-husband telling me I always like a challenge when I do or obtain things. He may be right.

So, I should sleep…. more later– Nikki.