Cough that won’t end

Yep, still sick. Still coughing up gobs of demon goo. Eyeball still draining and red. Though, I don’t look as demonic. Maybe the COVID demon is finally growing tired of inhabiting this body. It’s been 11 days now. I should be better, but nope. The life force has been drained out of me. I should probably start breathing exercises to keep my lungs open because I feel they are trying to collapse or fill with the ick. I sleep a lot and am having some seriously wild dreams in a bizarre land. As out there as they are, sometimes I rather just stay there. Last time I was helping paint and was the only girl in a group of painter dudes. They wanted me around and gave me affection. Something I lack a lot.

Getting what killed YK is a mind fuck. I actually had it a few months after he died, but it didn’t faze me like it is now. I also wasn’t nearly as sick. I have so much fear and apprehension over it. Really, he should have been the one to live not me. He was hella nicer and people loved him. The boy was amazing. But alas, he is forever 29, and I continue to age and deal with this shit on earth. Thanks bruh.

I survived this shit twice now. 3 times if you count before COVID was a thing when I was super sick, and it was assumed to be COVID. Psychologically, there is a lot going on up in this head of mine. Survivor’s guilt, depression, apathy, hopelessness… feeling stuck. Dude, my life is a fucking crock. Everything about it blows. I am lonely. I can’t even manifest up some kittens. Here’s the current sitch with that– people just don’t respond and the ones who do are sketch as shit, or I am denied. Apparently I am not the only one who stalks petfinder.com. I have applied for more cats than jobs. There is something so wrong with this. Since when is it so hard to get a kitten?!?

Back to what’s wrong with me rant…. There’s some kind of malfunction with my existence. I bring out the worst in people. I have few friends and zero social life anymore. Reboot please! Oh, only if it were just that easy. I live in a land where people don’t know how to express emotions and instead waste their lives whining about trivial things and finding new ways to get offended by the social injustices of the world. They shut people out and shut down at the sign of any emotion that isn’t anger toward the outrage caused by the system. Yet…. so many lack the ability to cope, they just demand change with no real quantifier. They have ZERO emotional intelligence, empathy, or compassion. It’s about them and how they’ve been wronged.

My favorite line is “I am not getting paid my worth.” So, what is your worth? “I should be getting bonuses for what I have to deal with.” Yep, we all knew it was part of the job when we took it. Suck it up, buttercup. No one has yet to tell me what their worth is in dollars. The closest value is being able to live in the city on one income. Like… really? Again, your choice to live there. There is a little thing called the suburbs. The city will always be more expensive to live in.

The people I am around are soul suckers. I live in nature’s wonderland and yet the people who inhabit it are the most miserable I have ever met. They work at being introverted. Social distancing was welcomed. Me? I hated every last second of it. I hate the emotional and intellectual stunting that keeps happening. My natural wild child free spirit has been crushed and bruised. It’s morphed into the uptight bitch I have become 100% of the time. I need to escape. To where? Fuck if I know. I lost the beat to my drum. It’s been drowned out and distorted by all the nonsense that suffocates me. I stopped being me and became a victim to my surroundings.

To be fair, I have always been whiney. As YK loved to tell me, I could own my own vineyard because I whine so much. But I only whine when I care. I care too much. He knew this about me. He appreciated that about me. Now it’s not even whining… it’s the acknowledgement of defeat. Though it probably sounds like whining. Something has to change. I can’t continue as I am.

Things I need to change– how work affects me, I need to eat better, I need to lose like 40-50 pounds, I need to actually work on my house, I need to find my life rhythm again. I need to just be okay with things not being okay or in my control. I need to just let people hang themselves because eventually they all do. Just let karma do its thing. Though the universe could be nicer and help a sister out now and then. I mean not everything has to be so damn difficult and anxiety provoking… does it?

And really… why do people all of a sudden care? Ugh… and Frankie… just why? I’m not dead. But thanks for checking in. Apparently, someone does have a heart when it’s not clamped down and hiding behind the rigid walls they like to keep up. But once I go dark… RETREAT! Haha…. I should either nap, eat, or do homework and not obsess over getting a kitten.

Nikki