0420

You guessed it, its 4:20 in the morning. Why am I awake? I am supposed to be writing a paper due 2 weeks ago when I fell ill. I promised my professor I would turn in by this afternoon. Have I started it? Absolutely not. I did at least look at the shit rubric that is super vague yet needing to hit all the high points for full credit. Grad school…. such a pain in the ass. Oh, and for someone who doesn’t grade anything for weeks on end, I did not appreciate the zero he gave me on said paper when he clearly told me he would “work with me on it.” Lame. At least it’s a paper that is required by the program to pass and I have two shots at it. I assume my first one is the zero. Still… not cool, bruh.

So tonight, I go back to work. The number one less I learned in my time away, people just don’t care. Not really sure if they were never taught, or they just don’t. Our livelihood is based on caring for others. They should care. I mean, it’s expected to have empathy and compassion. Yet, it seems to just be missing. Though, when you think about it, we have the upper hand in the scenario with our clients. They are dependent on us. So, in a way, it is a powerplay. Kind of messed up when you actually think about the psychology behind what we do and how we carry ourselves. None of us have healthy relationships with others. When I took the job, I was told, “welcome to the land where we are all fucked up to some degree.” No truer of a statement has ever been made.

The three people who actually checked on my well-being (minus my boss who I will give a free pass to, she needs to know, and I do think she genuinely cares) were Alan, the bestie, and Frankie. Alan is one of my few true friends. Frankie, on the other hand– this bitch. I adore her and hate her all at the same time. I have moments when I want to slam her into a wall, kiss her, and make mad passionate love right there, and others when I want to throat punch her. She gives me the absolute most conflicting emotions I have ever felt. The ironic part is, I am pretty sure she feels the same. Just when I finally am able to shove her and my feelings into a proverbial box, she shows she gives a shit and all of it scatters about around the box it’s supposed to go in. I am sure I will see her soon enough and all those lovely conflicting emotions I have will fall right back into the box when she acts cold and stand offish towards me. Shes more scared of emotions than I am that is the one fact I am most certain of.

So now what? I go back to work tonight. I had this great and wonderful epiphany… am I actually going to change my mindset? Most likely not. I still want them to care. I still want to feel at least respected as a leader and as a person. Being well-liked is just a bonus at this point. Will I get either? We shall see…. I am not hopeful. People only want me back at work, so they don’t have to do my job and put up with the asininity that I have to on a regular from their peers. They want to go back to being shitty with the masses because they are creatures of habit and that’s what they do. I don’t envy my bosses, either of them, because they have to put up with me, my counterparts, and them. I just have them to contend with.

Well, my happy little Hallmark land I was in for the last 2 weeks has come crashing down. Lessons learned from Cassie Nightingale, be kind, trust your intuition, and love always has the chance of happening again. I decided to reintroduce myself back to secular TV with the Mayfair Witches. So far, I am hooked. Its right up there with the Interview with the Vampire series. Though, I have always been a fan of Anne Rice. She was a master at her craft. I wish I could write like her. Anyways, I digress.

The brain break was nice even though I felt like a demonic creature was inhabiting my body the whole time. My dreams are becoming more normal again, well least based some in reality and I can make sense of them again. I did dream I was dating the guy I have been flirting with for the last few weeks. He shall be named Mags for all future writing. It comes from his cure for COVID- Motrin and green socks, the scratchy wool kind. The more I get to know him, the more I realize that we are the same level of messed up. I am just a lot less broken than him. I also fear if we did get together that I would emasculate him and bring out the ugly side he tries to keep at bay with me. But who knows, maybe for once, I can turn it into a healthy relationship. My rabbits are protesting and have decided that I need to stop thinking such nonsense…

This dream- it’s worth mentioning. In it, I was doing my usual girl boss thing and helping simmer some mass chaos that erupted at work. My boss and their bosses were counting on me to help remedy the situation. At the same time, here comes Mags. We had just started dating. We were holding hands and another co-worker who actually wasn’t a real co-worker but was a former classmate of mine comes and loses shit over it. The old classmate who was embodying a co-worker was against any PDA, so hand holding was a super offense. My response was something along the lines of- this is the guy who fucked two of my boyfriends in high school, so he can go fuck right on off as I continued to lovingly hold the hand of my new beau. My brain knew exactly who he really was. The truth was in the dream. And thank you social media for distorting my dreams. I happened to see a picture of this guy sometime during the day yesterday. I wasn’t sure it was him because he doubled in size, darkened his skin tone, and very obviously had cosmetic surgery done. It was a little startling. As for his misdeed in high school… that was an affirmative, though it was not a malicious act against me personally. I found out later in life that he was one of the ones that the boys would go to if they wanted to figure out if they were gay or not. I know about one who definitively hooked up with him. I speculate about another. The one confirmed, that is really not so much a shocker that he prefers men. He was the only guy in high school who had a hard time getting and keeping an erection around me. No puns intended. I was a force to be reckoned with back then, and I was hot. I was that girl that all the boys wanted and secretly fantasized about. I was different. I also refused to date boys from my own school, just to spite everything about high school. Now, I am still different but not as hot. It’s kind of depressing.

Do I wish that Mags would finally ask me on a date? Ummmm… yes! He is the only one I can totally see doing the closing dance from TeenWitch with. Also, when I watched the Good Witch movies, something inside me felt warm and fuzzy and I thought of him as the new husband and me as Cassie. Though, I could have just had a bad case of the Hallmark feel goods from the COVID demon. But still… I could see myself with him. He’s less an emotionally stunted dunce than Frankie. That bitch….

Mags feels like home– warm and comfortable. I have no other descriptor for him. Frankie, on the other hand, sparks a flame in me that has been slowly working its way out of existence. My feelings for Frankie are much more primal in nature than Mags. Mags is obviously the much safer option of the two. I would also be Mags’s light in his darkness. Whereas Frankie and I would create our own fire and light up the world together. YK was not like either- he was different, very different. YK was the other half to my soul. No one will ever replace, be, or compare to him. But, back to Mags and Frankie…. before any of that could happen, they both have to come to the same realizations I have and be receptive to what could be. They both have to realize that they want this soul of mine. They both have to stop being afraid of living and loving. They both will have to want to be in their Finest Hour with me. (Seriously, YouTube the closing scene of TeenWitch to catch the reference.) I say both, but I really mean either of them has to come to this realization before I can go forward with either option.

Ugh now that song is stuck in my head. Changing gears, this whole time I have been sick, I have been on the manic side. I was a beast on the online ordering. I have boxes everywhere of just random shit and the cat quest became obsessive and compulsive. Mostly because I wanted something and wasn’t going to stop until I got it. The universe pumped the breaks on that action. I have to wait for 3 weeks for my little darlings to get here. I am so excited and ecstatic. They make me smile at the idea of them. My ex-husband even noticed that I finally am feeling some semblance of happiness at the idea of getting kittens. I just want a snuggly companion even if it comes with fur; humans are consistently failing me. My other cats all are traitors and either chose the outdoors to cuddle with or my ex-husband. The X, knows they are not allowed in his part of the house.

Anyways, I need to have yard sale soon to rid of all the crap I don’t actually need or is just there taking up space. And… I should probably do this essay so that I can take a nap later before work and be present for my afternoon meeting….

Nikki