On a whim, I asked my best friend, Hilary, to accompany me on a trip to NYC. Unfortunately, she wasn’t able to. I knew this would be a long shot, but I tried. It set me off, though– not so much because she couldn’t come or even that she made plans to attend an event she knew I would have wanted to go to and didn’t bother to invite me. It was just the final straw. I have been so desperate and seeking her attention that I feel like the pathetic, overly attached, vampiric friend. I fight for her attention and to just have some semblance of a friendship. I expect too much. She’s super busy with work. She’s far more of a workaholic than I have ever been, and then she has a needy and controlling husband and family. Everyone around her wants and expects her attention. Everyone wants part of her. She just can’t keep up. Plus, she’s trying to have a baby. So, I took myself out of the equation because her priorities will always be work, husband, family, and then friends. I am not that dedicated to my job despite feeling married to it. I don’t have a husband, and I dislike my family. My children are the only obligation I have that would come before anything else. In her world, I am very far down the list of priorities. I am the only one she can really say no to.
Of course, friendships wax and wane. I just miss my best friend. We used to be “thick as thieves,” as people described us, or they thought we were a couple. Now, I am lucky if she answers the phone, and she goes days before responding to my texts. Seeing each other in person is a super rare occurrence. She doesn’t need me. I need her. She is my main support person. I am just one of the many in her life. My existence, or lack thereof, isn’t going to impact her the same way it does for me. Letting go was just as hard on me as her, but it had to be done. I needed to free both of us from what came with our friendship. I was hurt and resentful and her trying and failing to be the friend she wanted to be but couldn’t. I didn’t stop caring, and my door is always open if she needs me, but I just can’t keep begging for attention and wanting a friendship that I know doesn’t exist anymore. I shed my fair share of tears too. She’s not alone in the sadness of all of this.
As I told her, it’s just better this way. The burden of me and all my drama doesn’t need to be hers. It’s mine, and she doesn’t have enough bandwidth to be the friend I need right now. I need to learn to cope so I can be fully functional again. She needs to deal with her own issues as well. She needs to come out from the hold her family and husband have on her. She doesn’t have to always be at their beck and call. She can say no to them too. She also needs to learn balance if she is going to compartmentalize her relationships. Our friendship shouldn’t be an act of rebellion against her husband and sister, who dislike and disapprove of me. But, again, at the end of the day, she has everyone she needs. I was just the icing on the cake. The frosting makes you fat; it’s not needed. She doesn’t need me. I needed her. I had to let go for both of our sake.
She did say I am moodier and angrier since coming off my mood stabilizer. However, I don’t think she realizes I am still on anti-depressants, and obviously, they are not working so well. Telling me, I need more meds just shows how far we have grown apart. I feel like she wants me to numb my moods to avoid the conflict I seem to always be in. She and most people don’t understand that moods and emotions are catalysts for change and warning signs something is wrong. Without having these coming-to-Jesus moments with myself, I can’t heal, change perspective, or alter life paths. For me, I need to break to put the pieces back together in a sturdier form. I have to break to rid of the parts I don’t need anymore. I have to break to grow.
She also said I needed more therapy. I go every week. But thank you… I realize I am not in a good place and fell on my ass again. Shit, I am essentially immortal at the moment, so even if I wanted to die, I couldn’t. I have to suck it up, figure my shit out, and move forward; I have work to do on this earth. YK is there on the other side, acting as a cock block to my crossing over. He’s probably waiting with a boombox to play that stupid song just to taunt me, so I will come back. I am not done yet. I would like a say when I am done, but like everyone else, I don’t get that luxury.
I also still harbor the resentment that she chose to figure out dinner with her husband over talking to me when YK died. Everything changed at that moment. I realized how burned out everyone was on horrible shit happening to me over and over again. Also, at that moment, I realized that her husband had control over our relationship. She doesn’t see it, but he is manipulative and likes to monopolize her time so that she is isolated. It’s no secret that we are not each other’s greatest fans. But she made a vow to him. *insert eye roll emoji here* She can do much better if you ask me. He has done some horrible things that she may have forgiven, but I won’t. I also think he bleeds her dry and is more a vampire than I will ever be. I am just an emotional mess seeking the best friend I’ve always wanted and took until my 30s to find. I can’t have the type of relationships I would like. I cling too hard and expect too much. I am just too much for everyone. I am too much for her.
My computer really needs to stop having seizures. I swear this thing came with some kind of poltergeist that likes to fuck up my writing and delete shit or open up tabs that I didn’t tell it to. This damn thing is a pain in my ass. It just tried to delete the last paragraph of this post. 2 can play this game. Well, computer, you have just earned the name Carlotta (the controlling aunt from Mayfair Witches). Okay, random rant over.
Anyways, Hilary and I very much mimic the relationship of Hilary and CC in Beaches and Tully and Kate in Firefly Lane. I am obviously more of a CC and Tully in too many ways to count. I just can’t sing, and I am not a stage performer, though I could probably host my own talk show if I wanted… other than that… we share the same wild child free spirit heart. Hilary is gun-shy and practical. That’s how my Hilary is. She’s far more grounded than I will ever be. I just hope the ending isn’t like Beaches or Firefly Lane.
Why do they always kill off the nice ones in the friendship movies? As a result, the wild one is forced to mature. It’s depressing, but then again, it’s supposed to be. Chick flicks/ shows at their finest. Hopefully our ending will be more on the Now and Then side, when we come together for the birth of her baby. I predict a boy. And for the record, I will always and forever be a Samantha. Though I am still jealous that Christina Ricci got to kiss Devon Sawa twice! Lucky bitch. If you have no idea what I am talking about, watch the movie and then watch Casper.
So back to Hilary and me, Hilary still missed the mark on what I needed when YK died. Even after she understood the magnitude, things didn’t really change. I was hoping to see more of her, or for her to make more effort to go on a trip or anything, except “I am sorry, I am here for you.” Ever since he died, I have felt more alone because no one knew what to do with me grieving over him, my job, and the boy who broke my heart. All 3 of those still hurt my heart. I still love all 3. Everyone was burned out on Nikki’s drama. YK dying was the event that tipped the scales, and everyone backed away. I also changed jobs literally 2 weeks later to the one I have now. Well.. we all see how that one is going.
Even now, Hilary is leaving it up to the professionals to fix me. I don’t need fixing… I need a tangible friendship and human affection (hell, a hug would suffice)! I don’t need to watch people around me go out and have fun together, while I am never invited along or hug all over one another then treat me like I am a cold fish. Stupid social media and even stupider coworkers who like to hang all over one another. I wish I could block everyone’s posts and just have the memes and see the random group posts I am in. Maybe I need to switch platforms because, honestly, I don’t give a shit what people are doing if I am not involved, and people need to stop with the PDA already.
Hilary did point out I am still angry all the time, and my moods keep swinging. I feel more depressed than anything. Irritability and anger are my secondary emotions. I feel zero joy. The main source of excitement that comes from me is the countdown to the kittens (which is 11 days away) and my upcoming trip to NYC (for the 2nd time in 6 months). I have a new love affair developing with New York City. More on that later. I digress.
My retort to Hilary was that I am constantly bullied at work. I am single with zero prospects. (Mags is a bratty little prick) I have very few friends, and I was forced to become an introvert, so yes, I have many reasons to be angry. Then there’s my past… I mean, really? My anger doesn’t exist for the sake of existing, there is a reason behind it. I am always angry because the world is a cruel place. I can’t just hide under a rock and pretend it’s not happening. People are mean and hateful. People go out of their way to make me feel like garbage, alienate, and harass me. So much has been taken from me. I’ve been told right now I am in the hazing phase of my current role and to square my shoulders and show them who’s boss. Those fuckers aren’t going to like it when I actually unleash the beast within. I am still trying to be friendly and not fight back. That is steadily dwindling away. But I am still in a place of fear to actually tell people what needs to be said– like I am the boss, do your job or can we act a little more professional? I am not sure when I got like that. Work is soul-crushing. Again, more later.
However, her words did strike a chord with me. She said I fully controlled my life, and no one forced me to do anything. Have I really let my life turn into what it did? I already struggle with how much I am really a victim versus how much it was my own doing. I need to ponder my thoughts on that.
For now, Hilary and I are broken up. I have my shit to figure out, and she has hers. I can’t really sugarcoat it. We are both fucked up but in different ways. I stand by my decision to back away. As much as it pains me to admit this, I do feel a sense of relief. I actually feel guilty because I feel this way. She’s not bad, and I’ll always love her, but I don’t feel a sense of desperation anymore. I don’t feel trapped in a relationship where I am begging for attention. I don’t feel like I did with my mom when I was a child anymore. I don’t feel the rejection anymore. As I told her, it’s not forever; it’s just until I can get to a place where I can accept what our friendship has become. Right now, I don’t. I still want my best friend and I want things to be like they were. Sadly, they are not and I am not coping with the change that I have been in denial about for the last year and a half.
I need a nap.
Nikki
Damsel vs Bipolar 