Today is the first time I felt okay. I didn’t feel shattered or broken. I just laughed at the stupid shit in my life again. I am not grieving anymore. I was able to let the person who I was prior to 2021 free. I missed her. I honestly feared she would never return. She’s been gone for so long.
Of all things… this is what did it… Mags told me he was gay. He told me by telling me in front of a whole bunch of people that he had a crush on my boy bestie. My jaw hit the floor, and I lost my shit in front of everyone I worked with. Great, I am trying to gain power and respect… and that fucker drops the biggest bomb on me ever. Okay maybe not the biggest, but it was quite the shocker. Once I got over the initial shock and wanting to crawl under a rock and die…. I realized this… first off… WTF?!?!? This shit hasn’t happened since high school! And second… OMG! I got my first taste of stupid shit that I should cry over but laugh at shenanigans! Bouncy Spice is back!
He felt bad about it because he came to see me 3 other times to make sure I didn’t hate him. I actually don’t but I won’t be fantasizing about him anymore and now I get a lowkey something is really off vibe. It’s like the part I was blinded to suddenly came to light. I also hear a lot of rumors about him. I don’t think he’s inherently a bad guy, I actually think we are way more alike than either of us are willing to admit. I also think he may be slightly more effed up than me. I do hope he can become my new boy bestie when mine leaves me in April. Also, I can’t wait to see his face when I tell him that me and the boy bestie have sleep overs and platonically cuddle! Oh, how I’ve missed this bitch.
Everyone was just as floored as me because they were all certain I was the one he liked. He comes and hangs out with me all the time and is a mega flirt. Plus he randomly bought me dinner one night. Boys really are stupid. He’s also one of the most awkward gay men I have ever met. Like what? Well… that explains why I pulled the devil card when I did a tarot reading on him. My reading was accurate even though I had no clue what it meant, and I wasn’t really willing to listen. That is one reason I hate reading for myself. I am not objective enough.
Mags is dipshit. Maybe I can break him of his workaholic nature and remind him that there’s more to life than work. Or he could just turn into my banter buddy. Though I slept with my last one while his wife was out of town. Oops. One of the worst sexual experiences ever. Though he showed me a softer side of his prickish exterior. Thats a story for another day.
I used to be the “it” girl. I was that girl all the boys loved and wanted. I was also the girl that made them realize their shortcomings. I had bonds with people that others weren’t capable of. The boy bestie and I are like that. He’s let himself be vulnerable to me. Honestly, if he wasn’t all about the dick, we would make good partners. I can also see myself raising a kid with him or living together when we are old as platonic companions. Maybe… who knows what the future holds. I do have a love for him that I don’t with most people. He’s one the few people I would call my person. I genuinely love him for him and all his flaws even when he’s acting a fool. I also let him get away with entirely too much shit and will quickly forgive him. I need us to be friends more than I ever need to be mad at him. I also need his warm hugs. He really is my Olaf. He’s also the only one I let hug me without tensing up, and I can be 100% me with him. He brings out the lighter side of me and also the catty bitch side. I will cry a lot when he leaves.
Mags is gonna have to step up his game because I am pretty sure he’s supposed to take the boy bestie position. It comes with a lot of responsibility… I whine a lot about everything, and I am an equal opportunity hater so there’s a lot that bugs me. I also have the worst luck with boys. I settle too much. I dunno.. I have yet to find one 100% worthy of my affections. Andy was close. Andy (aka him or the imposter) made me feel so alive, happy, and complete. Then the fucker decided he wasn’t worthy of me. Yes, yes he was. He just didn’t see it. He was punishing himself for cheating on his wife. I also think she had some serious blackmail on him. But in the end, he shattered the both of us. He taught me what it was like when I let my guard down enough to let someone love me. Which is one thing I never doubted… I always knew he loved me then and still does now. But well, that’s not on me. He’s the one who chose to leave. I didn’t. I was forced to let go and move on. I also was forced to endure him being a borderline stalker, watching when he can. I am pretty sure he watches me from the top floor window when I come into work. I can sense him sometimes. He also likes to watch people as they come in, and I am sure he’s figured out my routine already. Shockingly, I should be really creeped out by this… but I am not. He’s harmless compared to the others.
What comes with the territory of being me is my innate capacity to stick my foot in my mouth. I feel like such an asshole sometimes. I just kept offending a co-worker of mine- Mark. First he took something I requsted the wrong way and that was my fault because I wasn’t articulating correctly. Then I offended him when we were talking about our dating life. I really wasn’t winning, and I don’t blame him if he wanted to throat punch me that night. The ironic thing is that I actually find him super interesting. He’s that dark literary type. I am wildly attracted to his intelligence and his convictions in life. He also has these amazingly gorgeous blue eyes that are a stark contrast to all his dark features. A part of me thinks he’s hot even though he’s so not my type because he’s so skinny. However, I don’t go there because well that would just be bad given our work dynamic. But, I somehow became that bumbling idiot because I dropped my guard around him and actually care what he thinks. He doesn’t get it, neither do I. So I dunno. Though, I did find out that he cares a lot about what I think about him, but I think its because I am technically one of his bosses, but there could be more to it. To be fair, I am kind of a bitch to everyone and rarely apologize. I also will square off with my underlings and put my foot down to show who’s boss. Him, though, I am gentler and actually feel bad when I upset him. The others can all fuck right on off. Ugh.
Anyways, I have a paper to write and homework to be done. All due by tonight. Per usual, I am lacking motivation to get it done. I also can’t afford another bad grade.
Nikki
Damsel vs Bipolar 