One of the many joys of being bipolar is when you have all your shit stuffed into proverbial boxes and stored nicely away… then one of those little fuckers pops open and starts to spill out everywhere… then another and another! Next thing you know… you’ve become the anxiety filled, paranoid, overly emotional basket case that you hide from everyone! Hello rapid cycling! Happy one day, crying the next. What goes up, must come down. I am on the rollercoaster of emotions and trying to keep up the facade that I am completely in control!
Ha! I am so far from it it’s not even funny. So work per usual has stirred up all kinds of negative emotions coupled with some well earned paranoia. I am exited about what lies ahead and my upcoming retirement (more on that later). I also got the first hint of fall which means I usually means mania is bound to follow. Then let’s throw in more emotion because of the weirdo.
So let me start by defining what weirdo means in Nikki language. A weirdo is someone who I approve of, accept, and love unconditionally. I found my first mutual weirdo relationship since the yellow knight died. The catch… well he’s a D name and my history with D names is never good. Then there’s the issue of the long distance/ long term gf. I mean from what little I know about her and them… they do seem to fit together. I have been trying to stuff whatever feels I may have caught down into a box and seal the damn thing shut! Well… the fucker won’t stay closed! Boundaries are the name of the game I have now entered!
So now… on top of all my other spiraling emotions… I have to deal with my feels for the weirdo. It’s my own damn doing because in typical Nikki fashion, I like to play with fire. I swore up and down the weirdo was just plain weird and there was no way in hell I would catch the feels. I tried to convince myself that it was gonna be strictly platonic. Worst lie ever.
Nothing has happened physically between us except me pointing out we haven’t ever physically touched and well he decide to be the one to break the ice by shoving my arm in a very playful manner. Then there was the super awkward hug. Oh and the my face was on fire so I made him touch it to verify that indeed I was producing some mad heat. Lips locking, jumping up and wrapping my legs around him, passionate cuddling… all hard nopes. Not even an accidentally, on purpose boob graze…
But let’s be clear, I think the lack of acting upon the sexual tension is making the emotional bond more intense which is probably worse. Now there’s this unspoken you are the light and the missing piece to the dim puzzle that has overtaken me. It’s obviously mutual. We are both scared.
The weirdo knows the rando stuff I listen to and watch. I was finally able to gush about a character I am totally in love with and complain about the characters that drive me batshit that no one else seems to know what the hell I am talking about, but he does. I was genuinely excited about all this! We talk for literally hours. Every day we have spent together has been some of the most amazing days ever! He even caught me on camera smiling and laughing.
Then the next morning comes around and the day before is just a memory. Reality hits that he is leaving soon and most likely that will be that. It also is a harsh reminder that he is not available for me to swoop in and take as my lover. So… what happens… I cry about it and nope like a sad puppy. I am sad that he is leaving. I am also sad that it is an exhilarating romance that will never be. It’s just not fair that I can be so open and vibe with someone on that level and yet never get the chance to be truly held in his arms. Never feel his hand in my hair as he pulls me close to passionately and delicately lock his lips with mine. I will never get to take his hand to waltz around the room to some random song that only the two of us seem to love. A lost romance that lives in a different time line. Because that’s exactly who he is.. a lover from a different life. Why did we have to collide in this lifetime??
I keep telling myself that he’s a lesson to be had in regards to opening up to others again. It half works. However this push and pull thing going on is hard because I just wanna scoop him up in my arms and tell him it’s all okay, even though it’s not. We can’t be together. He has other commitments and obligations. He has a life that does not include me. Even if he did decide to change his stars and let me in as more than the platonic bouncy friend, he still would have to grieve over his current relationship. Quite frankly… I don’t got the time or brain space for that.
So… I found a weirdo. I caught the feels for the weirdo. I let the weirdo in. Our souls connected. Now, he goes back to his safe space and I am left with nothing but a memory of a weirdo who lit up my soul to let my light shine again.
Only if I could shove the weirdo in a box and label it… do not open. The memories are some of the best. He touched my soul in a way that only few have been able to do. I cherish our time spent together, but let’s be real here… I want more. I want to see what would happen, but my favorite pain in the ass friends called the universe and her sister fate have other plans. Those two…
Well… it’s time to drift into a land where I make the rules, not them… night night!
Nikki
Damsel vs Bipolar 