I had to stop what I was doing and just let out this memory of mine. I am listening to a “Divorced Dad Rock” station. It’s all my favorite alternative rock music from my early 20s. So, whoever the divorced dad was that made this, props to you, sir. We would get along well; wanna get coffee?

The current song is Cold by Crossfade. I used to play this song over and over again. It brings me back to a time when I was a baby career woman. I had a fling with a married man 20 years older than me. It was back when I still looked like a teenager. He most def was a perv, but back then that 100% did not register with me. Although to be fair, I was married to a man 12 years older than me at the time. In my defense, my perceptions were already skewed when it came to age gaps and how young I really looked.

Here I am thinking I am all cool and badass because Wes thought I was super cute and worthy of his attention, and he wanted me over his wife. He also wanted me over the other chick that was his own age who was constantly all over him. The ego boost was phenomenal.

Memories of Wes consist of sneaking around in stairwells to make out and very late-night conversations about, I don’t even remember what. The best memory I have of him was standing in the back workroom, and me being dumb, dared him to drop his pants. To my utter surprise, he did. That’s when I learned what it meant to be a grower, not a show-er. He was just the first of the interoffice work affairs I had.

His wife eventually figured it out thanks to that other very envious co-worker of ours. He was fooling around with her before me, and out of spite, she blabbed to the wife that he was at lunch with me when she called looking for him. Like a good wife, she showed up at work to bring him lunch and try to find me. Luckily, I wasn’t there that day and switched departments shortly after that. I also shelved him around the same time and told him he was too old when he became a grandpa. I was like 23 at the time. I didn’t care that he was old enough to be my dad; I cared when he became a grandpa– that was too much. Shallow much? Yep, and I don’t care. Even now, the idea of me being a grandma bothers me.

The absolute most ironic part about Wes, unbeknownst to me at the time, my sister was in school with his daughter. She still has no idea what occurred. Even worse, one of my exes was very good friends with his wife. The joys of living in a small town where everyone is separated by 2 degrees.

I have come a long way since the days of Wes. I have finally learned why married men are not a good idea. Though, as I write this… one word… him. Okay, so before him, I went through a very long period where I avoided married men. Even with him, I wasn’t looking for the ego boost that I was with Wes, and he was supposedly working on divorce. With Wes, I based my self-worth on getting one over on his wife. I didn’t know her, so I didn’t care. Again, in my distorted thought process, I enjoyed the attention I got. I was so starved and deprived of attention and affection that I didn’t care where it came from. My marriage sucked, and I hated my husband. I also believed the bullshit gaslighting about how he wanted me more than his wife, and I meant more. Yet, he would never leave her, and we never actually had sex; just a lot of inappropriate blurring of the boundaries. He was also a terrible kisser. I also saw him recently when I went home, and the dude didn’t age well… at all.

I will forever be grateful for the skills Wes taught me that pertained to work, and he will always be the man who showed me his penis in the back room. I am so glad that phase is long and over.

And my current coworkers have zero idea what I used to be like… their loss…
Nikki

When I woke up late this morning, the sun greeted me. Oops. I overslept. Though, what should I really be doing today? I have a long list of stuff to be done that just isn’t getting done. Like the laundry basket full of clothes that need to be put away, the bathroom remodel I keep putting off, more homework, running to the UPS store to return books from last term and the ones I dropped this term, and it just keeps going. I did attempt to dispute a check that was stolen from my mailbox and a missing package with zero success. The money peeps are apparently on a self-proclaimed holiday because they are all out of the office today.

Yea, so about that… The one time someone decided to steal stuff out of my mailbox, it was a hat I had been waiting on and a large refund check. Really, universe?!? On any other day, it would have been junk or bills I already knew about. So annoying. Super annoying. WTF?!?

When I went to talk to the company that I bought my hat from, they refused to do anything about it and said, “it was in possession of the postal office; therefore, there was nothing to be done.” Cool, so I am out $50, and no product, and they didn’t bother to insure the package. Lame. Such lousy business practices. Too bad for them– an honest review and no more business from me for them. They had such cute hats too.

Crap… I just looked at my agenda for a meeting tomorrow. Him… They gave him another chance to show. Like, why? The topic is already of stuff we know. Guess it’s time for this sista to get cute for a meeting tomorrow. Am I over him? Sure. However, it doesn’t mean I can’t make him miss what he gave up… just saying. Petty? Absolutely, but I am single… I have no one to answer to, so sure, why not let out my inner bitter bitch in a super passive-aggressive way just because I know he will be paying attention. He always has and always will. I am that girl he had and let go to live a life of misery– it’s hard to hide when you look at him. Thank god I didn’t fill out that profile they wanted on me so they could highlight all my accomplishments. Now, that would have just been awkward. He doesn’t need to know what I’ve really been up to.

In all reality, the truth is I am still lonely. I don’t trust my new set of co-workers or anyone, really. They have made it clear that I have entered the realm of the old lady…. mind you, I am not even 40 yet! But they are all young, in their 20s, and like to drink and whine about the injustices of the world and how they aren’t being paid their worth. I will rather be off doing things and experiencing life. I do feel ostracized and like a freak. I hear the whispers of going out together and not inviting me along. I also realize I am more prim and proper than they are. I don’t just invite myself places; it’s rude. Though, it would be nice to be included, even if I am more a mature adult. I do still have feelings that can be hurt and often are by them.

Truth be told, I do myself no favors with my inherent fear and assume everyone hates me until proven otherwise. If any kind of negative vibe comes my way, I shell up and hide, then whine about how everyone hates me. Realistically, it is just a few, not the masses. The loud ones, unfortunately, I hear the most and ruin it for everyone. I have a lifetime of rejection to thank for that one. A person can only be rejected so much by so many key players in their life that no matter how much therapy you do, it still sits in the back of your mind that you are unwanted and unlovable. So, thank you, mom and dad, for always making me feel like a mistake and unworthy of the love and affection a child should receive that has carried with me into adulthood. Lucky me, I came into adulthood not knowing what it meant to be unconditionally loved. Now as much as I crave it, I don’t really know what it means to receive it and how to recognize it even when it smacks me in the face. But that’s a post for another day.

There is some truth to the fact I am my own worst enemy. I can be an impossible human being. I swing from being unapologetically me to pleading for acceptance then I just implode somewhere in the middle. I need to get it together and not give a flying eff what anyone thinks. It’s what makes me the scary beast I am…. when I just don’t give a shit when my usual demeanor is an uptight A-type headstrong alpha female with OCD. Bipolar at its finest. Swing, swing, roar, swing, crash!

I justify to others I am like I am because I have to be. Although it’s not an entire lie, I had to work my ass off to be a functional and successful human being; I neglect the part of letting people in enough to care about me. He was one of the few I did let in and let myself completely drop my guard. Then… well… he shattered me, and I haven’t really opened up since. I didn’t even let Liv in the way I did with him. The only other person I let in enough to protect me and be vulnerable to, I lost twice– once to circumstance and the other to death. This was the Yellow Knight; more on him later.

Okay, so I should clarify that there is a big difference between being the overly needy girlfriend and friend and letting people in. I do the cling-on thing exceptionally well and look for reasons to remain shut down so that I can validate why I don’t trust anyone. I self-sabotage and set impossible standards. I want people to fail, so I make them do so. I really do have a distorted sense of being. I do it in the name of self-preservation.

Apparently, though, all it takes is a kiss on a bridge and a walk in the cemetery to make me drop my guard; at least, that’s how he did it. I honestly don’t know how Yellow Knight did it, but to be fair, I didn’t realize the extent of it until after he died. However, in his case, it didn’t matter. Ironically, him and the Yellow Knight have the same name in real life and a 15-year age gap (him is older).

Now, I find myself slowly letting someone else in, even when they aren’t to my impossible standards. I don’t even care. It’s terrifying. This time all it took was singing some Spice Girls at 5 am. She got a glimpse of the person I hide inside- I did the entire opening scene to Bring It On, verbatim. The best part… she called me out on having a crush then said it wasn’t mutual, but said I am fun to hang with and wants to go on an out-of-town trip together. Damn it, universe! I can’t win. Back in the box those feelings go as I actively put forth effort to keep my walls up.

Well, there you have it… it’s another glorious morning (well afternoon now) on this hot mess express…

All aboard,
Nikki

It’s 2023, and bitches… I am back!

Blog land has been graced with my wonderfully neurotic presence yet again. It would seem I only emerge when I am off meds. Yay for us all! Seriously though, here I can just be me and not be deemed as too much or too little of anything. I get to just let it all out in whatever way I want.

So, what’s been happening with this sista in the last 2 years? Well, I was on meds, and now I am off them again. Unfortunately, this time it wasn’t because I was feeling better; it was because I had too many detrimental side effects. So far, I feel like I am coping okay, but the manic energy everyone either loves or is terrified of has reemerged. I really should try throwing energy balls at people and see what happens… just saying.

Anyways, here goes 2021 to now in a nutshell—

Work: I was forced out of my job and got away from the A-type headstrong female dynamic only to enter the land of insecure men. I really just can’t win. I also got promoted in this job from being the outcast to the leader. As anyone can imagine, that was not the easiest transition. I am just thankful I have a supportive boss. The reactions to the transition have been the main source of stress lately. More on that later. So much to rant about.

Life: I changed my name and returned to school to change careers. Grad school is soul-sucking and time-consuming. After him, I decided to pick up the pieces and rebuild myself as I wanted to. Most days, I am winning. Some days…. well… those days suck.

Him: Speaking of him, he appears maybe every 6 months or so to let me know he still exists. The dude has yet to let go. Last time it was a work meeting he managed to get put on the agenda for and was a no-show. The time before that, it was giving me my birthday present 6 months late that he was so happy he found it for me because it was the perfect gift. To his credit, it kind of was. Anyways, in that encounter, he let it slip he still loved me. I was leaving, and his response was, “I love you too,” and mine was, “we aren’t doing this again.” He’s still with his wretched wife, and I still have zero empathy for her. Though he is “working on his marriage and building integrity;” yet, he still wanted me to know he remembered my birthday and put effort into my gift. He also let me know that the kiddo still brings me up on occasion. Little one, I miss you too.

Love life: Men suck. Women are fickle creatures. Men like to sleep with me and bounce. Not good for the ego; just saying. Of the last few guys I dated, one decided to have a tantrum because I wouldn’t have sex with him on his schedule. I also was too defiant about his plan for me. Just another narcissist.
The one before him, I somehow made him realize how he failed his second wife, so he bolted. I am unsure if it was to have a meltdown or make amends with her. Either way, he is gone.
The one before him, we got the vid together, so he pretty much moved in and was supposed to be my bitch boy house boy. He finally lost his shit and decided to hold me hostage and that it was a good idea. Neighbors and cops were useless. No one heard me scream and the cops took almost an hour to show. Though, once he realized I called 911 and let them hear the commotion, he split before he was arrested. He was only heard from again to get his wallet and disappeared after that. There were other guys, but those are the most noteworthy.

So, needless to say, I am still very single. I like someone, but they claim they don’t share the same feelings. So that is pointless.

Death: Finally, the worst of the last 2 years– my soulmate unexpectedly died, and my grandma was finally reunited with her love. More on those two at a later date.

So here we are… I started the New Year hiding and crying because I felt alone… again… I have lots of manic and hypomanic energy…. and people just suck. I should probably finish the homework I have been avoiding that’s due in a few hours…

Cheers!
Nikki

*** This was archived in my drafts from 2021. No idea when I actually wrote it. But the dog still loves me 🙂

Apparently, yesterday’s little meltdown took more out of me than I expected… I slept all of last night and most of today. I am still tired. I didn’t get a chance to even see the sunlight today. I went into one of those dream states that I had difficulty breaking free of. I knew where I was and tried to come out of it a few times and failed. I don’t even remember what it was that kept me there. Usually, I can remember what my dream was about. So, bye-bye, January 2nd. My biggest accomplishment today was eating my left-over cinnamon roll from yesterday and refilling my med container for the next 2-week cycle. Living that dream life. Maybe I can have my long-dreaded family meeting tonight.

I do hate when I sleep my life away. It’s always a result of depression kicking my ass and preventing me from being a productive human being. I am tired of feeling like I am. It would be so great if I could just magically heal and/or the meds kick in. Even having a moment where I was ignorantly blissful in my life would be nice too, but I am bipolar… ignorantly blissful doesn’t exist in my world; I am hyper-aware of EVERYTHING! This lack of motivation to life is miserable.

Last night I knew I still wasn’t okay. My dog knocked over a full glass of chocolate milk into my very full and messy nightstand drawer. I yelled so loud, and so much my throat hurt. The dog bolted. I cried about it. It’s literally just spilled milk. Nothing was actually ruined, and all I had to do was rinse everything off. I felt so overwhelmed at that moment, and I had no idea why I was so angry. I didn’t need to be that angry, nor did I need to explode. I did later apologize to the dog for being an overreactive asshole. He is a good pup; he forgave his momma.

I was in my own home, so having an outburst was safer for me to do than when I was out in public or, worse, at work. I hate that I can’t and don’t always control how I feel. I know what I am angry at. I am angry he hasn’t come back yet and said he’s sorry, wanting forgiveness. I am also angry at myself that I even hold on to the idea of him coming back. I am angry I can’t just let go and just be okay. I am angry that I let someone in and allowed myself to be fragile again. I am angry with the universe for always making my life impossibly hard. I am angry at my parents for making me never feel good enough for their acceptance which manifested into a multitude of ineffective coping skills and a cascade of events and people that now equate to my train wreck of a love life.

Nikki

Someone rang the doorbell today. The first thought was please don’t be him. As much progress as I have been making, the idea of having to face him again still makes my heart hurt and my eyes flood with tears. I still miss him. I don’t want to miss him. I don’t long for him anymore, but I do miss him at random times.

I also don’t actually know what I will do if he decides to come back. I don’t know how I will react. I don’t know what I will do. Logically the answer is a very hard no, but my heart isn’t quite so convinced.

My affect has been a lot flatter than normal and I don’t really have a lot of feelings or emotions, but the idea of him brings me to tears and makes me hurt. I still hurt so much. I still feel like I am never going to be able to get over him.

I just wish I could get over him. I wish I could face him and not want to fall apart inside. I wish I could go to sleep and him not appear in my dreams. I wish I wouldn’t get upset when I think of his laugh.

This just still hurts. A lot.

Nikki

As I am still trying to process all of this… I just heard the most chilling line of all time— “does he love his family or does the love the idea of them loving him?” It’s in regards to a show I just watched and was the end commentary to the finale.

It got me to my core. Did he actually truly love me? Or did he just love the idea that someone paid attention to him and showed him everything he ever really wanted? He wasn’t getting attention at home. He alluded to emotional affairs with others before he and I became a thing. I swore up and down I wasn’t going to go there with him. Then he clicked on the charm… he went to great lengths to get me to fall for him and feel safe in doing so. He paid attention to me. He showed me what it was like to be wanted. We intertwined our families. Was any of it actually real? Or was it all him just using me to make himself happy? Is he really that much a narcissist?

I have/ had a hard time accepting the fact the he really is a sociopath and narcissist. I really want to believe he is just truly lost and I just scared the crap out of him with my intensity and how much I saw through his walls. Now I am not so sure. He does shit to make sure I can’t ever truly break free. He watched me spiral. He watched me fall apart. On the outside he showed zero emotion. None. It just made me spiral more until I finally ran away so I regain composure. I’ve been hiding for weeks. I want to puke all the time. I have maintained control and haven’t pulled any “crazy girl” antics! I haven’t done anything worthy of being deemed psychotic. I have mostly done a lot of whining and talking at him/ pleading with him for him to let me go or just come back… he can’t have it both ways. I finally had to cut of all contact last week.

His only redemption that doesn’t have me fully convinced he is either sociopath or narcissist because of the fact that I did make him cry and I took him completely off guard when I did it. He did flood with tears when I told him I couldn’t handle being around him and I was leaving the company. It was a genuine reaction. Though I did also make my stalker and the drug addict cry before they both vowed vengeance against me.

I feel like I should have gotten more closure from that encounter, and I didn’t. He did, however, block me on his social media. Only reason I even know is because I was looking for a post of his to show a friend. Not super sure what he thought I was going to do. I legit just wanted to get away from him so that I could heal and not have him in my face all the time. I have no desire to call him, text him, see him, etc. I really and truly needed a break from him so that I could just be. I didn’t need or want him in my face all the time pretending everything is okay when clearly it is not!

It’s funny, today I got in the mirror and told myself over and over again, “he is not coming back.” My reflection looked back and at me and said “who are you trying to convince? You know that’s not true.” I can’t even believe my own self!

I have no idea why I keep holding on to the idea of him coming back! I am not even sure if I want him to because how will I ever trust him again? I mean yes I want we had back, but let’s be honest… it will never be the same. As much as I have whined, cried, pleaded and begged for the universe to bring him back… I just don’t know how forgiving I can actually be. Not seeing him is giving me the opportunity to finally evaluate that. How much do I want him back? And what do I actually feel about him? I still don’t have the answers right this second, but the fact that I can look at myself in the mirror and know I am going to be okay… that is enough for now.

Nikki

Well if you are reading this, you officially survived 2020! Hats off to you! Seriously you should be proud, 2020 was one hell of a year for everyone in some way, shape or form! I don’t foresee the world magically changing over night just because we entered into a new year, but things will start to get better. They have to, right?!? Hopefully the unspoken mental health crisis will take some limelight, actually be acknowledged, and be remedied. I am not the only one in a mental health crisis, I am just outspoken enough to be willing to admit that I am not okay at the moment.

I am that extrovert in a sea of introverts. I don’t conform to societal standards. I am too loud and too open. I don’t hide who or what I am. Honestly… it’s just too much effort not to be me and being me is exhausting enough. Being bipolar is enough of a daily struggle. It’s a fight to manage the swings and extremes to function as a socially accepted person.

I have found some positives in my personality— people around me are less afraid to hide their true self. They feel safe enough to just be them in whatever manner they choose to be. I take pride in the fact that I have that effect on people.

But back to the whole being bipolar thing in the new year… I am hoping 2021 brings me a little more stability and peace in my life overall. 2020 was not kind to me especially in the quest for a life partner department, then again no year really ever is.

Let’s sum up my dating life thus far… I have dated more losers, users and abusers than I care to admit to. Some were from my past and other were from the present… didn’t matter if we met online or organically… it all ends. Some more heartbreaking than others. I’ve also been out with enough to know how truly traumatizing the dating scene really is. The whole swiping capability really has ruined everything about dating. That, though, is a rant for another day.

So here I am at the start of a new year… I am out and about wandering around appreciating my surroundings. Beauty is everywhere. I still don’t feel joy. I just want to feel joy again. I want to laugh until it hurts. I want to be able to have the compassion I once had. I want to feel again. Right now I go back and forth between feeling hollowed out and empty to feeling pain… lots of pain and lots of sadness.

I heard a small child singing in the store yesterday, I turned around hoping it was his kid. It was not; however, everything inside me missed his child. I, of course, fell apart at the store again. Another reality hit, I didn’t just lose him… I lost the family we were supposed to be.

My biggest struggle right now is I just want to know the truth. I want to know why he really left me. We were still very much in love with one another. He didn’t actually leave me to work on his marriage. There isn’t another woman. So why did he rip apart everything good in our lives and throw it all away?!? As much as I hate it, I still miss him and I still want him to come home, crawl into bed with me and hold me til we fall asleep. I want to kiss him a gazillion times. I want to here him tell me he loves me a thousand times a day. I want to be in his arms. I want my best friend and boyfriend back!!! Though he better have a damn good explanation before he walks through that door as to why he ran away like he did! “I don’t know” won’t work— just to be clear!

I love him. I loved us. I loved the family dynamic we were creating. I loved all his weirdo quirks. I loved to poke at his face just to annoy him and he just let me even though I knew he was cringing inside. I loved that he let me. I loved to watch his face squinch up when I stuck my cold hands on his belly. I loved how he would just fix the random stuff around my house. What I loved most is how safe and secure I felt in his arms. I could look into his eyes and I saw us together forever. My favorite picture of us is me looking stupid because we were supposed to be taking a silly selfie, instead he has his head resting on mine and all that can be seen is the glow and light in his face; the undeniable look of a man in love with a woman.

So universe.. why?!? Why in the hell did he leave me?!?!? Why did forever have to end?!? I was finally good enough. I finally let love in. I let things happen organically… I didn’t go backwards… I met someone on my playing field! What did I do to deserve this fate?!?!? Love too hard, love too fast, then the world comes crashing down. Yay bipolar love!

And the melt down continues… I really thought today I would be more okay… I was wrong…

Nikki

I am pretty well convinced the universe hates me. I can’t ever seem to catch a break. Everyday is some new challenge. Once one fiasco is over… I seem to walk right into another. People around me have come to believe I love drama, and I attract it wherever I go. The second part is true, the first is not.

I mean really?!? I literally moved across the country to get away from my family life drama. I try to avoid it as much as I can but it always finds me. I am suckered into believing things will be alright, and they never are. I even get the universe saying, it’s okay this is supposed to happen… she lies… a lot. I am just so tired of shit going sideways and wonky. I am also very tired of feeling crazy and defeated all the time.

Let’s take my break up for example… it’s not enough that he broke my heart, then he’s literally shoved in my face for several days and I am expected to keep it together and remain with my classy bitch professional face on! I am dying inside. All I want to do is cry. I feel myself unraveling more and more every time I hear his laugh or his voice. Even his gross old man noises make me miss him. I am having full blown implosion. Universe! I hope you are happy! I broke! I am having the nervous break down! I am paranoid about my career that I have strived so hard to keep intact! Thank you. Thank you for continuing to always push me, it was a matter of time before I broke and now I did. So unless you have a grand plan you would like to fill me in on… I am done with your shit! It’s time for you to stop being so damn cruel!

Some background on me and religion… god isn’t much better…

I was once a good little Christian girl. I used to attend church every Sunday. I had a church family. I was involved in church extracurriculars. I even led a Moms group and was involved in a bible study group. That all came crashing down when I chose to be with and love Liv. I let her in all the way more so than I ever did with my husband. I let myself be happy. So what was the consequence for that? My whole church family shunned me! It’s ironic because they always taught how they accepted everyone including the gays… I guess that was true as long as the gay one wasn’t one of their own. To be fair, I had become known as the girl who divorced the pastor’s son and left him for a girl— whether that had anything to do with it or not. But for the record, I left him because of him, not for anyone else. As far as his dad goes, he was not as holy as everyone assumed he was. He is a controlling, manipulative prick. No love lost.

I also struggled with the idea that “with God all things are possible.” My life was more a mess then than it is now. So many times I was on my hands and knees begging for mercy. Begging for my life to get easier. Begging for my friends back. Begging for people to stop telling me I was wrong to love Liv. I can’t even tell you how many coming to Jesus talks I had gotten by “my friends” and the other set that outright disowned me, turned their back on me, and refused to acknowledge I ever existed. Funny how the teachings of the Lord is to accept all, forgive all, and let the judgment be left to him… yet all my God-fearing and loving friends did the exact opposite. The Christian community I came from are nothing but a bunch of hypocrites. And where was God? Nowhere to be found! That’s where!

Naturally, after this occurred, I asked God what was the purpose in that? What was I supposed to learn from this? Did he really think it would bring me closer? My ex husband took it as a sign for me to get back with him. 10 years later… that’s still the very latest thing I want in my life! So… after lots of silence and no answers, I decided to turn away from the church and find a new path. The more I learned about paganism the more I discovered the whole Christian faith was all about fear and stolen holidays/ traditions. I still haven’t gone back. I do find old churches beautiful, but thats about as far as it goes.

We all need something to believe in. I do believe in the Christian god but he’s not the one I choose to worship. I actually don’t worship any higher power. I just argue with the universe and her plans for me. I’ve tried communing with several goddesses but they all eventually fall silent. So I am stuck with fate/ the universe… and her and I are in a quarrel at the moment. When things are fine, she likes to throw a monkey wrench in there an make things not fine!

I wish my life were easier. I wish I didn’t have as much struggle as I do. I wish that he and I would have just worked out or at least the universe could send me the person who is supposed to be my life partner. I just want to be loved unconditionally. I want to be viewed as not the crazy one. I want to find happiness in a partnership. I am pretty happy with who I have become. I just want to be able to trust someone and s/he not demolish that trust. I just want things to be a little bit easier! I am tired of riding in the struggle bus!!! So please universe… hear my cries of desperation… please let life get easier and less painful or at minimum show what it is that I am supposed to learn so I can take that lesson and move on. I just want of the perpetual hot mess express and struggle bus I seem to always have a permanent seat on!

Nikki

Here we are a week later since my last post. Not much has changed. I am a little more alive, but also a little more unstable. My moods are still everywhere. The meds haven’t quite kicked in yet. I hate the meds!!! I still feel all kinds of emotions all the time. I also sometimes think I am legit going into some kind of psychosis. I am like that old, rickety wooden rollercoaster that you just aren’t sure if you are gonna make it off the rollercoaster in one piece.

Last night I woke up around midnight screaming in a pillow. I was in a dream state, and I felt myself coming out of said dream state. As I was coming to, I got stuck in the in between awake and dreaming plane. When I was there, a dark shadowy figure came hovering over me and was in my face. I started screaming in that plane and then woke for real with my head in the blanket man (I made him in my sleep) still screaming. What made it even more weird is that no one in the house heard me because they were either asleep or had in headphones.

I’ve woken up screaming before, usually it is a result of having nightmares about my stalker chasing and coming after me. This was totally different. Both of my friends who I talked to that are into this kind of thing think it was my subconscious trying to tell me something or prevent me from having a literal broken heart. Either way, they agreed that it was stress induced.

Well… great…. its not enough that in the living and awake world, I don’t want to go anywhere because my empathic veil is down. I don’t have much shielding from everyone’s emotions they are trying to stuff down and hide and/or are projecting because they are screaming inside hoping someone will hear them. I am also starting to drive my friends mad. Now I have the equivalent to dementors chasing me in my sleep state. WTF universe?!? I just can’t win. I am getting more and more effed up by the day.

Speaking of the universe… well played.. very well played. I got to spend several hours on multiple days with him. Torture much?!? I just can’t escape him! On the up side, karma decided to let me take the reigns, so I did!

He was the one who wanted to ensure that we would still be in each other’s lives and paths despite me doing everything in my power to make it not so. He won. Fine… let’s do this… but under my rules.

He got to see exactly what it’s been doing to me, watch me struggle and fail at keeping it together. I let him see all of what his actions are doing to the girl who’s heart he crushed. He also got to hear what I was telling others about my broken heart, the one he caused. I just never told anyone it was him. He got to watch the multitude of people give me comfort hugs. He also got to hear stories about my life he never knew about. He was very attentive every time I spoke. Then when we were alone, I would ask if he was happy now, since this is what he wanted. I also told him I am not his wife, I don’t buy into the bullshit excuses she does and I see right through him.

I am not one to play head games. I think its dumb. I just rather be honest and move on with life. I think girls are foolish when they think a guy wants them just because she doesn’t want him. Yes, typically males need more space and time than females to sort through and process what they are feeling. It doesn’t mean we should purposely be going out of our way to ignore them and acting like we moved on when everyone knows damn good and well we haven’t. This may work for some guys, but do you really want a guy who can’t figure out he wants you until you are gone?

Then there’s the flip side, men are really good at putting stuff in their proverbially boxes. He is one of these types. If its not in his face, its in a box on a shelf so he doesn’t have to deal with it. Even in his face, he usually can find a way to keep the box closed and act like everything is fine. THINGS ARE NOT FINE!!!! If I actually truly move on, then its easier for him to validate him not acknowledging his feelings about me. This also holds true if I finally go completely psycho on him. They are just excuses to validate running away from the best thing that has and will ever happen to him and keep me and his feelings about me in a box.

So back to this whole being in my face all the time… I still cry inside and sometimes outwardly when its safe when I hear him laugh. I still whip around to see who he’s talking to. I still want to skank the bitches he talks to or is texting. I still am aware of his patterns just to try to catch him with someone else, but as I have come to learn, there is no one else. Side note– would be so much easier if there was someone else! Nor did he actually leave me for his wife; all in which makes this that much harder! I still fall apart when I know I have to see him. I try to play nice, but it lasts only so long. I just want my stupid boyfriend back! I just want to stop hurting! I just want to know the real truth why he left! I just want to work through whatever it is! I miss him! As much as I tell myself and as much as my friends tell me, I should hate him, I just don’t. I want to. Trust me I want to. It would make life so much better. I just can’t. Instead I fall apart, pull myself somewhat together and try to move on, then I fail and fall apart all over again.

I’ve attempted to move on… I just keep meeting excessive amounts of men with his same name. In fact the one I talk to the most has the same name. Again.. thanks universe! Can I please just heal and get over him? Why must I still be tormented? He’s literally in my face whether by person or by name all the damn time! I don’t even look and obsess over our pictures! I legit just want to get over him and be at a place where I can be around him, not feel like I am dying inside, and be able to just be civil to one another. It would be nice to have my best friend back, but I know that’s pushing it.

Dear universe, I am not the one that needs to figure my shit out.. .that would be him. Go give him the ass kicking you are giving me please. Make him listen!!! I already understand what was supposed to come of this break up on my end. Working on it universe, Rome wasn’t built in a day! Can I please have a break from him so I can stop breaking every time I get some of my pieces glued back together? I am pretty sure I fulfilled the mission you used me for. I did that a few nights ago. Please go dust off and dump out his boxes and make him go through through all of them and fix his life. He needs to heal too. If I am supposed to help him through it, he knows where to find me. He also knows the conditions in which he is allowed to contact me in my 2 weeks no contact request and break from life.

Moving on, in my failed attempt to go forward, I did have a random hook up. That did not go well. I made everyone think it was way better than what it was. The guy was one of those who would say and do anything to get in your pants then ghost you. He was rich, he complimented my eyes and lips, told me how gorgeous I was, and said all this sweet shit. I enjoyed the attention and compliments, but at the end of day, were they really sincere? Whatever… its not even worth the effort to call him out on it. He was still very much in love and stuck on another woman; I heard all about her amazing blow jobs on our date– and he wonders why I refused to do it! Stupid boy. I was kind of hoping he would be a little different, but nope… he was not. I flat out told him I didn’t want to have sex on the first date, as it was a bad omen. We did. He ghosted me after a few days of polite casual conversation… just enough to make it look like he was still interested in me and it wasn’t just about sex. He’s a smooth operator and knew what he was doing; unfortunately, I am not that stupid, I can see it too. At least the rebound bang is done and over… and I feel nothing… next…

Even when I was with the hook up, I wished it was him. I told him about it. I got no reaction, just a “you deserve to be happy.” Yes, because sleeping with random dudes is the key to happiness. No. That just makes me a slut. So here we are, several weeks out, I am still riding the hot mess express and the universe keeps finding new ways to mess with me. New ways to make him just NOT go away. New ways to make it impossible to heal. I have already hit my breaking point. I have already shattered. What else does she want from me?

I am still not okay. I would like to think I am getting there, but I am not. I feel really unstable and on the brink of yet another nervous break down. The only light I have in me is equivalent to a glow stick in a dark cave that about to burn out. I am starting to avoid people. I took time off work. I just need to heal.

Its not even just him… its my whole existence. My life is a walking, talking disaster. This was just the thing that was the final pluck that shattered my world and my mental health. The bipolar won for now. The curse of feeling each extreme and never the middle ground has taken its toll. I wish this disease on no one!

Maybe tomorrow will be better….

Nikki

I keep going from extreme sadness to anger to what if… I just keep cycling through the stages of grief. I cry randomly because I miss him. I want to hate him so I make myself angry. I remind myself what he did. He broke me. He lied to me. He left me. I wasn’t the one who wanted this! He was the one who made me fall in love with him! Sometimes I take a step back and ask why? Everyone who knew us knows that we did love each other very much. Why did that suddenly all change? It actually didn’t. So why would he go back to the life he was so desperate to escape? My assumption is he was scared. So many questions! And all I get from him is “I don’t know.” Or when I am being a total bitch, I tell him to look me in the face and tell me he doesn’t love me or want me…. he still has not to be able to do either. The last attempt was a few days ago.

Today either I am in a place of acceptance or in more denial. I am not really sure which. As I come to grips with the fact I am no longer with him and see where I need to grow and heal, I start to see that this was supposed to happen. I knew before we would have to break up in order to make it and have a healthy relationship. I fought that one until I had no fight in me left. How did I know? It was just one of those things I just knew in my gut.

I got very angry with the universe for bringing him to me and giving me everything I wanted- right down to one of his names- just to rip him away! The universe and I have gone round and round for my entire existence about why she hates me so much! Here is the man who made me happier than I’ve ever been. I fell in love with him and his child! Then push came to shove and boom! Both gone. I completely imploded and left as a pile of rubble and ash! Why universe?!? Why?!? I have been through enough! Why can’t I just have this?!? Why must he be taken away?!? Why did you put him in my life?!? Ugh… this bitch…

Grief stricken I am.

Denial- I knew he was trying to walk away before I got that text. I just wouldn’t listen. I knew the chapter was over the last time he saw me in person the night he went to tell her he was leaving her for me. I also knew he wasn’t going to do it all the way. I was ignored for 2 days while he drank himself into a stupor running away from his feelings. I couldn’t handle the idea of us not being an us. I told him he wasn’t allowed to end it. Denial. Lots of denial. I should have just let him walk away. Maybe he would be where he should be… home with me.

Anger- the slap in the face he got from me was undeniably anger. Loads of anger. He also got more anger every time we talk or he sees me. I am angry at the fact he went to great lengths for me to fall in love with him just to leave me. I am also angry that he lied to me promising every day, my fears were not valid because he would never go back to her. I am also angry he is not here with me. Let’s also not forget I am angry that I still have to see him on a regular basis and won’t be able to fully escape him. I am also angry because I don’t get to have a relationship with his child any longer. I have legit anger, but also anger is the easiest emotion to convey. It’s an easy decoy to cover up how I really feel. Most of the anger I have is me hiding the depression.

Bargaining comes next. I tried to say things were okay, and I would be patient while he musters up the balls to tell his wife he’s leaving and ending their 20 + years marriage. Who was I kidding?!? I am not that patience nor do I have that kind of strength. Even now, I would take him back, however, there are certain conditions to be met in order for that to happen. I would do almost anything to have this fool back and me in his arms.

Depression- this one is the one I have not left yet. I cry all the time and sometimes just can’t breathe. I find myself pleading with the universe to bring him home and apologizing for whatever is I did to make him go away. The universe is sometimes a jack ass… I said bring him home to me… not put him in my face for several hours the other night while I try to keep up my professional classy bitch face when I am falling apart underneath. I also have had to succumb to getting back on meds to combat the deep dark depths of depression I was— well am—- lost in. I still don’t see much a light, but at least I am out of bed… it’s been close to 3 weeks.

And finally— acceptance… I have been able to say out loud that he is indeed not coming back. I also don’t actually believe that. When I finally saw him face to face in my word vomit, I asked him what am I supposed to do when he decides to come back? He’s was taken off guard. He said my anger was a big deterrent and that was more an if. Let’s be clear, he gets very controlled verbal anger and I don’t ever actually curse him out. I do a lot of talking AT him and why he needs to get his shit together. I do a lot of monologues in his presence. I mean I like to hear myself talk but not that much… Anyways, me in true Nikki form retorted with “okay… well you said you would never go back to your wife and you did… so I don’t exactly believe you.” He found no point in arguing. One of the few smart things he’s done recently.

So do I think our story is over? No. I have decided what I want. I want him back. I want to hold each other’s hands through the darkness and through the struggles. I want us to be each other’s rocks. I want the step child I was supposed to have. I want him and all that comes with it. I want my best friend and snuggle buddy back.

I firmly believe and know we needed to break up so we could end our relationships (his with his wife and mine with my ex husband) without the influence of the other and that we are doing this for ourselves and not each other. We also need to be able to start the healing process on our own and not have each other as a crutch. With this said though, I am not waiting on him and if something good comes along, I am going for it.

I am going to do my own healing with or without him. I can finally say I will be okay with or without him. I may not be okay now, but I will be in time. Do I want him here to hold me and love me through the darkest of moments? Absolutely! But it’s not required. He has his own demons to battle; demons I awoke when I made him come back alive (his words not mine). I want to be there for him, but he has to ask me to. I can’t force my presence on him despite very much wanting to.

I have accepted why he left. He left because I was too real. We fell really hard and really fast and in a blink, his whole world view of himself came crashing down. I woke up the jabberwocky he has been running and hiding from. He couldn’t handle it. No man thus far has been able to- at least not at first. I am the scariest beast that exists despite all my light and love. I am the mirror that sees past all the walls, behind the veils, and cuts through all the layers and forces a person to look at who s/he is in the most pure form whether it be for good and for bad. I rank right up there with being one’s own worst enemy because I am the one who exposes it. I show what people spend their existence hiding from. As my former boy bestie would say, I viciously strip people to the core and leave them raw and exposed. I’ve also been called and emotional terrorist because of this as well.

I know what I am, and I know what I am capable of. I’ve known for a long time. It is what it is. I just try not to do it but when it does happen… I have to accept what I have done. And I did it again.

The thing is I don’t do it out of hate or malicious purposes. It is not to get one over on someone. I do it with love and compassion to help someone heal and move on in life. I pull away all the layers that have clouded the root of the problem to get to the source so that the demons can be slayed and the best version can shine through and become the new norm. That’s what I did to him.

He did the usual response… how can anyone love this? I am not deserving of you or your love. Yes dummy… you are worthy of my love. You are worthy of unconditional love. You are worthy of whatever happiness the universe brings you. You are worthy of the best life.

He is also not ready to face himself. That I can’t shove along even if I tried. I am hoping the universe gives him a swift kick in the ass to get the ball rolling. I don’t want to wait forever. The window is rapidly closing.

Have I accepted we are really over? No, but I have accepted what I have done to him and what I need to do for myself. So maybe a little denial… a little acceptance. May the stages of grieving carry on…

Nikki